Exposed!!!

And it is AWESOME! My fear of exposure has been proven false, in one aspect at least.

Obscurity is a dark, lonely place. "Dark" and "lonely" are such common words that they mean little, but I mean "dark," in the darkest sense of the word, and "lonely," in the loneliest sense of the word. Obscurity and secrecy are places of @#!*% . I didn't even know!

I was so afraid to tell anyone about this addiction. I told my bishop. Well, bishops. I told a little to my best friend. At first, that was very helpful, but her beliefs are so different from mine that she just isn't very supportive. Simply because of our opposing beliefs. I can't think of anyone else I told. The bishop can't come over and hug me when I need a hug. The bishop can't text me and ask "how are you doing?" The bishop can't send me random emails of encouragement. You know? My bishops have all been wonderful, but I need more support. I didn't even realize how alone I was.

It's ironic that I was so, so afraid of telling anyone about this. What I should have been afraid of is living one more day in obscurity! Now that I have so many cyber friends who are rooting for me, people to whom I can turn knowing they know what it's like, people who have been just where I am, people from the ARP meetings (whom I'm now thinking I need to get to know, rather than rushing out the door the second the meeting ends) and people who love me just the way I am and want for my improvement- not because they're judging but because they want my happiness- I feel exposed. I feel like I have been rescued from a dark, cold cave where I was trying to survive all on my own, and I was taken to a sunny meadow, and the sun is shining on me and I am free! Free from obscurity! And it feels so good. The sun on my face is a miracle. I need never return to that dark and lonely cave.

I was so very afraid of others finding out my secret. But now, others know, and it's so. much. better.

And so, what I glean from this experience, is that perhaps self-exposure is also something I needn't fear, but should embrace. Perhaps, being exposed to my own self is going to be just as liberating and refreshing as exposure to others. Maybe digging around in my soul and finding out what's really there beyond this crippling addiction will be good. Maybe I'll enjoy what I find, whom I find.

I look forward to this journey! I laugh as I write that sentence! I LOOK FORWARD TO THIS JOURNEY OF RECOVERY! What is that? That is new. I can't wait to discover new gems and new hope and new joy as I make these difficult steps.

God with you!
~Erin