The Enemy Strikes!

And I struck right back.

We're actually still battling. We're still battling because I haven't surrendered to God just yet. I believe my Heavenly Father is standing by, ready to fight this for me, but I'm not ready to hand over the sword. I'm getting closer.

Last night, an enormous temptation appeared before me. It appeared so small, so insignificant. Let me give you some embarrassing but honest background first.

My first kiss happened 10 days before my 20th birthday. I was falling in love with the guy and, in fact, that was the night he told me he loved me for the first time. After we broke up, I was in another (remarkably healthy) relationship for a few months, and so we kissed too. After him, I met my husband, and so I kissed him too. I figured I would die having only kissed three men and I was so fine with that.

But then the divorce happened, and my addiction increased, and I have kissed more men since my divorce than I did before my marriage. A lot more.

I always thought it wasn't that big of a deal, which is ridiculous, because when I look back at each experience, something horrible either did happen, or almost happened. I always thought it was just a kiss.

Most of the time, I made it clear (I thought) to the guy that I wasn't looking for a relationship and I just wanted a kiss. I even told a few of them, "I'm just using you, you know." How sad is that. Well, the response was always favorable and often included a confession that they were just using me too and that was just fine. And we'd kiss. Sometimes we'd be kissing friends for several weeks. Here are some of the horrible things that happened as a result:

-The guy started falling for me, so he was genuinely hurt when I got tired of kissing him
-I got way too close to going way too far, more than once
-Horrible, deep depression
-Fast return to familiar addictive behaviors, if I'd been clean a while (which, now that I think about it, I usually start subconsciously looking for a guy to kiss when I've been clean a while. It always seems safer than returning to old methods, but it's not safer at all)
-Loss of friendships
-One guy threatened bodily harm, and that was very scary
-I was the "other woman." In my defense, I had no idea he was married till later. If I would have taken a minute to get to know him, I may have avoided that. Actually, I'm not being totally honest. I let him kiss me another time after he told me he was married. I have never admitted that before, even to myself. It kills me that I did that, just kills me.

As was pointed out to me by my sponsor this morning, there's no such thing as "just a kiss." I'm eliminating that phrase from my vocabulary effective immediately.

Anyway. The temptation of last night was just like before. There was this guy. I wanted the challenge of convincing him to kiss me. I take some pleasure in that level of manipulation. I think it's called seduction. I like to think "I still got it!" but that's a lie too, because guess what, it does not take talent, beauty or skill to find sex or anything like it. Sexual activities will always be available for anyone, anytime. Being proud that I convinced someone to kiss me is like being proud that I found Cheerios in the cereal aisle at the grocery store.

This morning, I had every intention to text this guy, invite him over for a movie or suggest we go for a walk, or something. I just wanted to see what would happen. I wanted just a kiss. He's a nice guy. I have no interest in starting a romantic relationship with him (otherwise I wouldn't want to kiss him!). And what's the big deal if we just kiss?

I knew it was wrong, Friends. I knew it. But I felt like I couldn't stop myself. I was being pulled into the idea, the fun of the idea, the scintillating exhilaration of the idea, and I couldn't comprehend saying "not this time." It was all I could think about. I didn't believe I'd be able to resist this one, but I did convince myself that I would not slip as a result of the "just a kiss" if it happened. That's a lie too.

So, this morning, I prayed half sincerely for strength to do the right thing. I really did want to choose well. Actually, I wanted to want to choose well. Then I decided to text my sponsor. It feels so weird saying that, "My sponsor." I told her exactly what was going on and she helped me through it, helped me clear the mud from my mind, helped me to truly understand that "just a kiss" doesn't exist, and that this was a strike from the Enemy. I could throw up my arms in defeat or I could stand up for my virtue, and protect this poor man as well. I'm not just dealing with myself, here. Sure, his choices would be his choices, but if I can help his choices along by not being a temptation for him too, then I need to do that.

So. I think I'm ready to let God fight this one, now that I've written it out. I'm handing it over to Him, and I will do as He directs in this instance. Tomorrow is 30 days, and it makes sense that Satan is trying to break me down now. 30 days is a milestone!

I know this post is kinda blunt, but I wanted to put it out there in case others relate. I always love to read posts on other blogs that describe where I am in the fight, even if it's ugly.