Messages from the Past

Here are some poems that remind me of a place I never want to see again, poems that I wrote when I was in the depths of darkness.





No Title
God, O God, my Father,
Can't You feel my inside screams
Bursting outward, upward, forward
Through a megaphone of sin?
Can't You see my face discolored
By my heart's unending tears
Do You not hear the desparation
of my crumbling, wearied soul?
I'm tired of this! Tired
of the constant, blunt reminders
Uninvited invitations
to my chosen mortal vice
God, O God, my Father
Is there more hopeful a conclusion
Than -- Why give to Thee this day
When tomorrow I must fail?
2.27.08

Amen to Donne

It is woven within my being,
This sin.
A parasite, it seems, of sun
And dreams.
It is to me as plant to soil.
I can’t
Expunge my soul, O God, forgive
My fraud
Forgive my fraud! And yet, hold off
(Regret
Is well but cannot stay my hand
A day)
Until the hour Thou wilt banish
My guilt
By taking this my fav’rite sin—
My grave—
And accomplices; thought, desire
I’ve fought
With tireless hope; avails me not.
Assails
Still, this sin, O God! And for what?
So, God,
My Father, take away this plague!
I say,
Unweave my fibers, change my heart!
Derange
My days. *O’erthrow and bend, for Thou
Dost mend
As yet, but batter my heart! For I
Will fly
Only as Thou restraineth my wings.
4.29.09

*adapted from John Donne's Holy Sonnet XIV

Live
Sometimes I think I'd hold her face
In bath water
Until her terror is defeated
Deflated.
Instead I think I'd free her heart
With sharpest steel
Until her body is all rested
Released
From unseen shackles.

But then my soul would fall
And fall and fall and fall
And so I let her be
Imprisoned by myself.
12.13.10

Shackles
Shackled to the floor
Which now starts sinking swiftly
I ask me how I got here
But I know.
The Dark scrapes the last of the
Light that is inside me
And thrusts it to the empty
Black below.
Spin, spinning, spinning
This never-ending rerun
Yesterday I did this; I guess
I’ll never grow.
The Dark thwarts my screaming
And scorns, “you can’t be free, son,
"For all your sins, I own you,
"You should know.”
A light through a pinhole
Way up in the distance
Tells me freedom’s somewhere;
Dare I hope?
A whisper just beside me
Of merciful persistence
“Look up; I’ll release you
“Take my rope.”
Oh, God in Heaven!
How is it that You’re still here
When everything I’ve done
Mocks Your grace?
I’m spinning, spinning, spinning
Yet You say “I love you still, Son,
“Come walk my path and now
“Behold my face.”

(I think I need to add one more part here. And, yes, I know I'm not a "Son," but it's easier to rhyme with. :))