Breathing Easier

It finally feels as though I'm not thinking about acting out every hour of every day. It's still several times a day, but I feel like I have breathing room for a few hours at a time.

Today, something fairly innocent set me off. It didn't happen because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I wasn't. It didn't happen because I was making poor choices. I wasn't. It just happened. It was more than an idea or a thought. It was instantly a desire. My brain stopped thinking clearly. It was becoming excited about the possibilities.

With much hesitation, I have decided to admit that I even typed something into my search bar that I thought would, since it was so innocuous a word, escape my filter's grasp. But my filter is a genius, and it blocked it. Again, what I typed wasn't even pornographic in and of itself. But I had set my filter long ago to block this genre of search terms. I was filled with relief when I couldn't access what I tried to access!! I even said "YES!" quietly.

It was strange. Like my fingers and my brain took over, but they were not doing what I wanted them to do. When I was blocked from accessing the page I wanted, and felt immense relief, that's what I truly wanted. I could have typed my password right in but it wasn't worth it to me. I went to my bedroom, knelt, and prayed for strength. While I was praying, I started to laugh. As recent as five weeks ago, considering how strong and immediate and alluring the temptation was today, I would not have taken the time to pray and ask for help. I wouldn't have wanted help. I would have found every excuse to continue the path that the trigger had thrust me toward.

It was really strong, and sudden. Boom! I am not happy with what I did at first. I honestly believe that I wouldn't have visited any sites or looked up any explicit images, but there's no way to know for sure.

After I prayed, I texted my sponsor, because I can't get too much support with this. And now you know. So much accountability!

I can make it till bedtime, and tomorrow is a new day.

I'm so grateful for how far I've come! I know that my recovery journey is still so new, and I have a long way to go, but tomorrow will be my six week mark -- Oh, so THAT'S why I was hit so hard today -- and I feel like I am breathing! I feel like the heavy mud and muck is falling off my body with every forward step I take. I feel so much lighter, I feel like the world is brighter, the horizon is clearer, and the air is cleaner. I feel like I can handle the good things that are coming my way. I don't want to hide from them. I don't want to hide from the truths about myself, either, even the uncomfortable ones. I'm not afraid of that today, anyway. But do you know what I've noticed? I've noticed that I can handle several consecutive days of happiness now! I don't quite understand why I couldn't before. But I couldn't.

That's a mind-dive for another day.

Anyway, I feel like it's been a million years since I was in active addiction, even though it's only been six weeks. It's because my general daily disposition is vastly different than what it was six weeks ago. I can't speak for tomorrow, but as of today, I feel fantastic. God has granted me hourly grace, and on it I have been carried. Every day, I give Him a little more, just a little more. I know that I could give even more each day, and I know that I must make these constant improvements in order to stay on this good path.

I hope I'm not overly-confident right now. I'm hoping to find that balance of humility and celebration.

Even with today's un-noticed ambush, I still feel like I'm breathing easier. I feel like I'm learning how to use the tools that are in front of me.

God is so good, so good.

Well I have two more days before my 30 days of writing is over. I have such mixed feelings. :)