I think I've written about this before. I have a hard time reading scriptures. I rarely miss a day of reading, but every single day it's a chore. Occasionally, gems of wisdom pop out out at me, but not often. I know that if I put more into it, I'd get more out of it. But it seems so very very burdensome to me to try to find something worthwhile every single day. I just don't ever feel like investing that much energy to finding some spiritual miracle.
I love the scriptures. I used to love to study them. I used to love to read. I would read everything! I was reading all the time. Reading was my escape from the world. But, the past several years, I can't commit to reading anything! It's so sad because it's so different from what I used to love to do. I don't know how I was ever able to focus on a novel or a text book or the scriptures long enough to derive any level of pleasure from them. I have been reading Jane Eyre for 2 years. I'm about 3/4 of the way through! I just don't have that pull to literature that I used to have. It's depressing.
I think it's largely due to my pornography addiction. Porn is easy to focus on. It takes no work whatsoever, other than clicking a mouse. My brain can shift into auto pilot. I don't have to think. I think maybe I got so used to not having to work to get the result I wanted, that reading became terribly boring for me.
I wonder if it will ever bring me the joy that it used to, or if I have damaged my brain permanently.
Anyway, I can't even read an exciting novel without becoming bored, so the scriptures are certainly tough for me. I don't like it. I want to find joy in the scriptures again. I even try to say each morning, "Okay, I'm going to learn something today," and I make myself read and I try to find something amazing but it just doesn't come and sooner than later my thoughts are everywhere but on what I'm reading and that's how it goes for me every morning.
Even though I don't study the sweet words of God like I need to, I still feel like reading protects me. My efforts are weak, but they're still efforts, and I believe that each of my efforts are blessed.
Have any of you, my readers, experienced a failure to enjoy things that used to be so enjoyable prior to active addiction? Is this normal?
Well. Tomorrow I will try again to find joy in the words I read, even though I'm reading the Isaiah chapters in 2nd Nephi. Sigh.
Happy Recovery!
YES EXACTLY like you described. The main turning point for me though was this:
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I had to evaluate the "shoulds" which were killing my ability to enjoy them. I should have a good experience, I should be spiritually close to God, I should feel the spirit, I should like reading them, I should be able to pay attention, I should WANT to read the scriptures, I should get personally revelation......... and in my mind, if I didn't then this meant there was something wrong with me. So prayer and scripture study both became a shame ground. Satan left his mess all over it.
Finally I decided to try out honesty instead. "Heavenly Father, I don't like reading, I don't want to read, I'm frustrated that I'm not feeling anything here from them or You, and tired of feeling like it's my fault." Have the full dialogue. Tell Him why it's so hard. Be honest as can be! Every bit.
Then I let myself come to the scriptures with my fears and worries and even my anger and frustration. Because that was honest and true to how I felt. Once I really let the Lord in on the real me, then the door was opened to true connection and intimacy with Heavenly Father and my Savior.
It's hard to keep up, and takes practice and effort reminding myself to go to God with honesty, and to drop and redrop and redrop the shoulds. Reminding myself to be human. Finding the need for a relationship with the Savior.
But that's just me. :)
Once again, glad I'm not the only one! I seriously can't tell you how TRUE your post is to how I have felt for the past 5 or 6 years, wondering if scripture study will ever be special again. But I'm finding it!! It's coming!!
Deleteholy cow. This is awesome, and so inspiring. THANK YOU SO MUCH! You nailed it- I come to the Scriptures with a long list of expectations. I should understand this. I should feel the Spirit. I should learn something remarkable. I should love this. I should work harder. I should have an amazing spiritual experience every time. I should be an example to my kids. I should look forward to this. And on and on. I guess I have some work to do!
Deletedang i really like what of.the.dust wrote about being honest with God. You know, we just need to be real with him and ourselves. Yesterday morning, i didn't read. I slept too long. And before bed...didn't read, i needed to sleep. This morning...I read in the SA white Book (which i highly recommend!!). I was uplifted. I felt I read truth.
ReplyDeleteKeep at it! Keep the surrender and sobriety going!! I want to see you get back in the temple!!! stay close to God and your whole support group!!
thank you! I'd really like to get that book. Thanks for the suggestion. :)
DeleteMaybe it would help if you tried another tactic? What worked for me was having them read to me ... LDS.org has them online and every chapter has a "listen" feature ... (Incidentally, the man who narrates Helaman is AWESOME! A wonderful "story-teller's" voice!!) Not all the readers are as engrossing and some of them "dramatize" it too much for my liking, but all in all, it's helped me be able to sit back and close my eyes and hear it in another way that I might not be reading the same way. Does that make sense? Anyway. Just a thought! Happy recovery! :)
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