It's becoming more and more difficult to think of something to write every night!!
Forgive the late hour of my post.
I'm excited about life. I'm excited, rather, about the life I will live as deeper-in-recovery recovering addict. On that note, I have a hard time swallowing the "once an addict, always an addict" thing. I don't want to be always an addict. I want to be cured! Why can't I be cured? I will always need to be careful with pornography, of course. Everyone, I believe, addict or not, should avoid it at all costs. But, if Jesus can cure the blind, then why not the addict? I don't know if I can accept that I will always be an addict. I don't like that.
Anyway. I'm starting to get excited about who I am! I think I'll like my life without active addiction. I think I'll enjoy it. I think I'll be a better person in general. I think I'll progress more quickly. I know life will still be challenging. I know I'll want to give up sometimes. But I have better coping skills now! I can talk to myself, matter to myself, validate myself and forgive myself! I have safe friends with whom I can share my struggles. I have music I can sink myself into. I know that times will come when I do not want to cope in those ways, when I'll prefer to mope or throw a tantrum, but I also believe those moments will be fewer and farther between, and I hope I'll be better equipped to manage them.
Maybe I'll become the person I've always wanted to be. Or, maybe at least, I'll be able to believe it is possible to become the me I've always wanted to be.
Today is four weeks for me. I'm starting to see the temple as a real possibility. How desperately I want to return to that holy place!
I knew you could do it! Keep it up, Erin!
ReplyDeletethanks!
ReplyDeleteYes, the saying is once an addict, always an addict. BUT that doesn't mean I can't be relieved of the obsession of addiction. And, truly, all I have to do is pray and turn my life and will over to the care of God as I understand Him. What an amazing gift that is. Congratulations on 4 weeks. When I got sober two years ago, that first 30 days was the LONGEST of my life. But it just takes a mustard seed of faith, and to believe. :) You're awesome, keep on trucking!
ReplyDelete(OH, P.S. my 2 years was just yesterday!)
Sarah, thank you! Your 2 years is a huge inspiration to me!
DeleteI just read this post and you wrote my thoughts exactly. I have been thinking these things today. My goal is to go back to the temple too. I have pictures in my bedroom to remind me of that goal. And sometimes that goal brings me to tears of sadness because I drive by the temple every single day. It's so good to have this goal. And we may be addicts forever, but it will NOT define who we are!
ReplyDeleteyes! I need to get a picture of the temple in my room too. What a great idea!
Deletei like this!! Yes, i too get excited to think more of what I can accomplish in life in active recovery. Not there yet... but I am excited for YOU!
ReplyDelete