Is this.... happiness?

Maybe.

I think that somewhere, not too deeply buried, I am housing a very happy soul. I believe that by nature, I am cheerful, energetic, and optimistic. I love that kind of personality, and I think I have it. When I live in sin, I cover that, and I am miserable. Not only do I deny myself freedom when I so live, I also deny myself my identity.

I am a happy woman! I am! I just haven't been for so long that it's difficult to see it. But I do think that's who I really am. Happy. Cheery. I think I'm uncovering this part of me, and I think it's very exciting.

Today I took the Sacrament. Oh sweet blessing. Oh what sweetness filled my soul! I never ever ever want to lose that privilege again. I want my children to see me, every Sunday, partaking of those sacred emblems.

Sigh. These horrid thoughts keep ramming brain. Thoughts like, "what if I slip again?" "what if I relapse?" Those are real possibilities, yes, but I don't want to focus on those possibilities! I want them out of my head! I want to focus on recovery, and the joy that will come, and the happiness that will come, and the return of who I really am that will come.

Today I substituted my Relief Society class at church. I have never taught an adult class before. The lesson was "Learning by Faith," and the funny thing is, I went to church determined to learn (as is the point of the lesson), but I did not suppose that I would learn from the lesson I was teaching while I was teaching it. But wow! The sisters who shared their thoughts and experiences enriched me so much. They answered my prayers. I was ready to learn, and I did.

Today, I saw my bishop. I requested a biweekly meeting schedule and he honored my request. I want to make sure I stay on track, here! I want to utilize every tool that I know. You know what he said to me today? "I have never seen this confidence on you. I have never seen this hope in you." He was so excited for me when I told him today was 30 days. He was so excited for me when I told him about you, my friends, when I told him all the support I was getting now. He was so pleased when I told him I told my family. He said "you have always had this support around you; you just didn't know it until you looked for it." He said, "You're gonna do this. You're gonna do this, no question." I believe that!

I asked him for a blessing. He kindly obliged.

He said he wants me to be three months out of this addiction before I attend the temple. I'm 1/3 of the way there already. March! I intend to attend the temple in March. What a good day that will be. Maybe I'll go March 15 which is the anniversary of an unfortunate experience-- I'll replace it with something great! Can't wait!

Today is a good day, a sweet day. Not every day will be a good day and that's okay. But today is a good day.

2013 IS the best year ever.

**special note**
I wanted to point out that my personal time frames of returning to the temple, taking the Sacrament, etc., are my personal time frames, that I have worked out with my inspired bishop. I do not mean to suggest that everyone should wait three months to attend the temple. Others' personal time frames may be shorter than mine, or longer than mine. It's up to the Lord, the bishop, and the person.