Acknowledgements

Tomorrow is going to be 78 days. I've never made it 79 before. I'm not even afraid. I don't know 100% that I'll make it well beyond my previous record, but this time, I'm not afraid that I won't. Fear no longer rules my life. I haven't even been thinking about days clean much lately. I've just been trying hard to do what I need to do, and to rely on Jesus, and that's the mind frame that will take me out of this.

Besides, I have a celebratory dinner scheduled with Annette for when we hit our 100 days sober! By some crazy coincidence, our sobriety date is the same. :)

Anyway, I've come a long way! And I didn't do it alone. And here I offer special thanks to those who helped me reach this place. I know I'll miss some, and that makes me sad. If I don't mention you and you feel like you have helped me, you probably have, and I apologize for failing to acknowledge you.

First, of course, I thank my God and my Savior- my Jesus. I've said it before and I'll say it again, that I feel like I was a lost and wandering sheep in the wolf-infested wilderness, and Jesus came to rescue me. And for so long, I ran from him. I told him "no thanks, I'll do it myself." I kicked dirt in his face and hid. And the wolves scared me so much, and they wounded me so that I was almost dead. And finally, when I lay bleeding and hopeless, I let Jesus lead me away from the wolves. He came to get me. He came to get me! And He is leading me to freedom! And when I walk with Him, though wolves may growl and intimidate nearby, they can't touch me. I thank my God for sending Jesus to rescue His lost sheep. I thank my God for hearing my prayers, even the prayers I uttered almost faithlessly. I thank Him for guiding me, step by step, out of hell I created for myself and lived in every day.

I used to think I was a black sheep. Now I think I was just a dirty sheep. :)

I also thank my family. My parents raised me in the way of Truth. How could I have known that Jesus would rescue me without the foundation I was blessed to have? I thank my Church and my church teachers and my religious community. After I told my family about this addiction, they were then very supportive and compassionate and never turned their backs on me. I also never felt like they looked at me differently. That was huge in my recovery! Thank you, Family. I love you!

I'd like to thank my dear friend Ben. Let me tell you a little about Ben. I worked with him back in 2008, for only a few months. It was back when Twilight (books) was all the rage, and he and I shared an emphatic disdain for the series. We became friends and we still are. He kept a blog about the time I started this one. I was trying to get my blog out there and I was commenting on random blogs in hopes that other women who were struggling may read my comment and check out my blog. It was a stretch, yeah. Well, I decided to comment on Ben's blog. Remember, back then, I was posting and commenting as Erin. I did expect Ben to take a look at who was commenting on his blog, but I didn't expect him to stick around and offer me encouragement and hope time after time, at the beginning of this blog. I needed it so much. Eventually, I felt really guilty that I knew who he was but he didn't know he knew who I was, and I confessed that it was me. He never batted a judgmental eye. Again, we are still friends. For awhile, he was the only one who ever commented on my posts. Maybe he was the only one who ever read them. I needed that support. Ben, thank you. Here's an example of one of his incredible comments:

Failure is only if you quit trying. Stop focusing on the negative, stop worrying so much about falling again. If you keep thinking about it, it's more likely to happen, stop dwelling on the problem, and start focusing on things that make you happy. I know it's hard, that's repentance for you, but God doesn't browbeat, He doesn't discourage, He doesn't attack us. We do that, and that's what you're doing right now. You know that what you are doing is wrong, but you are on the right track to getting out of it. Satan would drag you down by having you focus on the idea that you're not good enough to repent, that you just keep doing it again, so why even bother? Stop those thoughts dead, stop thinking that "I messed up again, I must be a worthless [person]" do you really think that God can love you entirely and be willing to do the things that He has done for you if He really thought that you were such a thing? It is impossible for Him to see you as His child, and worthless at the same time.

He was a light in my darkest times.

Another blog I commented on once was that of one Race Davis. I don't know him. He had a pretty popular LDS blog and I had hoped to attract some of his readers to my blog, but I attracted him. And he has been a supporter for a few years! For a long while, he and Ben were the only two who seemed to know I existed and had this addiction. Thank you, Race, for your support.

I want to thank my dear friend Benjamin. I also worked with him, after the place I worked with Ben. He was in a leadership position, and I treated him as if he was my therapist. In a way, that's what his job was. He had this way about him that made me safe. He got all kinds of things out of me. It was one of the darkest times of my life. It was a time that I thought of ways to die every single day. But Benjamin made me start to wonder if I had worth after all. I started to think that maybe there was hope. Oh, I was needy. I was that annoying employee who always had something to complain about. But he was there. He absorbed it. I came to believe that he cared about me. Nothing about this relationship, or my relationship with Ben, was romantic or sexual, by the way. Benjamin was married anyway, and I was completely respectful (and sometimes afraid) of that. Anyway, somehow he convince me that I had some sliver of value. I think he may have saved my life, literally. We are still friends and I am less needy, but no less grateful. A few years later, Benjamin was there to help me through the fiasco with David Ridley, that horrible therapist. I lost my mind a little bit there, and Benjamin was extremely supportive and kind and available for me talk it through with. To this day, I can't think of anyone I trust more than I trust him. Benjamin, my eternal gratitude is yours.

I am so grateful to my bishop from the 2nd Ward. He was 3 bishops ago. He nurtured the seeds that Ben and Benjamin planted, the seeds of belief that I'm worth something. He taught me about love. He was the bishop who gave me his personal cell (!!!) and told me to call him on it (!!!) whenever I needed help through a temptation. He said to call him if it was 2 in the morning, he didn't care. He said would be there. And . . . he was. His love taught me a new and wonderful way to live. He taught me the power of love and the sweetness of love. He helped me recognize and know God's love more than I had ever understood it before. He loved me back to life. He played a huge role in my (ongoing) recovery.

On that note, I'd like to thank all my bishops! I think I've confessed to 11 bishops!!! All but one have been kind, merciful, and encouraging. All but one have contributed to my recovery in a positive way. My current bishop is wonderful and I'm so grateful for him.

I thank my dear and lovely friend Cyndy. We were brought together by traumatizing circumstances, and have known each others' secrets from the start because of those circumstances. She has been a friend in recovery for years, and she has been so encouraging to me. Cyndy, thank you for your hope-inspiring kindness! I love you!

A deep thanks to the sister in my ward who spoke to the Relief Society about the Addiction Recovery Program. I had just moved into the ward maybe one month earlier, and this wonderful sister (who I think was a ward missionary) took the entire RS hour to talk about the program. I had heard of it previously, but only in passing from a previous bishop, who told me about it "just in case" I might want to go. I didn't, because I knew nothing about it. Anyway, this sister bore her testimony of the program. A woman I kinda knew (I was still very new in the ward) rose her hand and admitted she was an addict and she had benefited from the program. I was stunned! You mean, I wasn't the only woman addict who was active in the church?! I thought she was so brave. And I thought my addiction was probably worse than hers (now I try not to compare), but I admired her bravery. I was so deeply touched by the Spirit that day. I knew I had to attend the next Friday meeting. I am so grateful she spoke about the program in RS that day.

Similarly, I express sincere gratitude to the missionaries who presided over the meetings (the family side and the addict side). They were a wonderful couple and I could tell they loved me! And they accepted me! Even though the sister wasn't usually in the meeting with me (she did the family side), I still felt like she loved me. I cried when they were released. The missionaries now are wonderful, but I think I will always have a special place in my heart for the missionaries who were there when I began attending. I love you, you fabulous couple! Thank you for all you said to me, to encourage, welcome, and support me!

I thank Sidreis! I can't even remember how I found her blog, but the day I found it, I rejoiced. Proof that I wasn't alone! She was a woman, LDS porn addict with a blog! I was so happy, so happy! And then I commented on one of her posts or I emailed her or I asked to be on the blog roll at ldsaddictionrecoveryblogs.blogspot.com or something, and she got right back to me, and suddenly I had access to several LDS women addict blogs! And they were good, wonderful women and I was one of them! She yanked me out of isolation, and became a dear friend. Thank you, Sidreis!

Because of her blog, I found two others which inspired me a great deal. Warrior, (even though you're a man!) and Of The Dust, thank you for your respective roles in my recovery! From the start, your blogs have inspired me and comforted me! Your comments on my posts have done the same. I felt a connection to both of you (and still do!). Thank you so much for writing your blogs! Thank you so much for giving me hope that I can do this. You guys are great.

There are now a billion other blogs which have also helped a great deal, and I couldn't begin to list them all. If I have commented on your blog, you have helped me. Thank you! Also, if you have commented on mine, you have helped me! I love this blogging community we have! And, also, just because I don't comment, doesn't mean I wasn't touched deeply. Keep blogging, friends!

Annette, my friend. You have been a whirlwind of rad since I met you! What an honor it is to have you in my circle of friends. I'm so thankful you live nearby! It was getting a little hard knowing that all the cool blogging recoverers lived in UT or WA or some such place. And then there was you, ready to go, facing your giants, and keeping my head up along with yours. Your courage and your get-it-done attitude is inspiring to me! I love you! Thank you!

I also thank the two other women who come to the meetings with us. What a wonderful thing to not be the only woman in a PASG group anymore!

I thank my ward friends who know about my addiction and love me anyway. I don't know if they want me to mention their names. Well, I'll mention two of them, since they have both commented on my posts so they can't be too worried about anonymity, right? Rebekah and Sarah, I love you to pieces. Thank you seeing me for me, and not for my addiction! Thank you for your support and your freaking amazingness! And to the one who helped me with Step 5- you said some things that made me think differently. Thank you so much for your willingness and love. All three of you, I am so touched by your love, and my gratitude runs deep. Thank you for your roles in my recovery!

Thank you to my extended family who responded with love and support when I told you all about my addiction. It means so much to me.

I am so blessed. With all this help, how can I not make it? I know I have forgotten some vital people and that makes me sad, but I really felt I needed to write this post and let most of you who have helped me know that you did. Everyone listed here has been a puzzle piece to make my recovery complete. I love you all. I am so thankful to know you. I need you still! May God bless you with someone just like you.