Reinforcements; Man Trouble

Every day for the next ten days, I'm going to write here. I'm going to keep myself accountable until I can finally go to the temple. I can't meet with my stake presidency member to sign my recommend until a week from tomorrow night. It seems like such a loooong time! I believe Satan will do what he does best during that time, in hopes to keep me out of the temple.

Well, I've got news for him. Nothing will keep me from the temple! And to make sure, I'm going to take extra precautions, such as keeping a daily accountability here for the next nine days.

I'm feeling some fears creep in. Not about the addiction, but about life. I have learned that fear is dangerous, regardless of its form. So I'm going to give voice to those fears here.

I'm afraid I'll never remarry. There's this guy I have had a crush on for over 18 months. I believe this is the healthiest crush I have ever had. I don't want to kiss him. I don't want to cuddle with him. I just want to know him. I admire him immensely. I admire his deeply founded morals, his intelligence, his humor, his talents. We have talked a little and spent a little bit of time together over the past six months, and he is aware that I dig him. But I have no idea how he feels about me. Well I saw him with another girl the other night and it was painful. They were talking and laughing and being together. It's difficult for me to even admit that, because, I'm thinking, it shouldn't be painful! He is nothing to me! He is not my boyfriend. He is not my husband. It doesn't matter in the least whom he chooses to sit with. I was very surprised that it affected me as much as it did. I have always thought it wouldn't matter to me if he started dating someone who wasn't me.

So, I cried. I admit it! I cried! All the while I'm scolding myself. I shouldn't think this way. It shouldn't matter to me. Of course she likes him; he's the best guy around. She is pretty and outgoing and he needs someone outgoing. But it doesn't matter. Oh my gosh, why am I crying?!? This is so stupid! IT DOESN'T MATTER! I'm so stupid for feeling this way! And I tried to shut up my own feelings, as has been my custom for the past-- oh, I don't know-- lifetime.

But, I can't do that. I have to let my feelings live, no matter how stupid I think they are. They're not stupid anyway, because they're my feelings. So I have been trying to tell myself that it's okay to feel the way I feel about this. 18 months is a long time to have the same crush. I know him quite well, and everything I know about him, I want in a husband. Besides that, he's the only single, LDS man near my age around here that I know of who fits more than two or three of my requirements for a future husband. I like him so much. And I respect him a great deal. And if he gets snatched up by another woman, it seriously seems like I'll die an old maid. No one else around here fits the bill! I need to move to Utah.... haha.

And that's the real reason it upset me. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to be single my whole life. Even though it's likely not true, this guy disappearing from my view would reasonably make it appear that there is no one else for me. I'm not saying he's "for me." I'm saying I don't know of anyone else who possibly could be. My vision is finite, though. But, anyway, it makes sense, kindof, when I think of it like that. In my mind, he represented the only current chance I have at ever finding a healthy relationship/marriage. And then he's off with another woman who is awesome and probably not a sex addict and is much more aggressive than I'll ever be... And there it goes. My last chance.

Man, I'm so glad I wrote that out! Of course he's not my last chance! He is a wonderful man, and I still hope he and I have a chance together, and that's okay. But.... my feelings count, and I'll be alright.

Dear Stephanie,
I'm sorry that happened to you. I know that must have been difficult. It's so hard to be single with kids who don't know what a healthy marriage looks like. It's so hard to have no one to come home to, and no one to come home to you. It's hard. And of course you felt sad when you saw him with that really cool girl. He's a great guy and worthy of your admiration and of your hope. But that doesn't mean he's the only one. God knows exactly where you are right now. He'll listen.

Love, Stephanie.

There. I can be my own friend now- one of the best tools recovery has given me. :D

Another fear I have is that my decision to homeschool my kids next school year was really stupid. Even as I write that, I balk. I don't wanna talk about it. I want to deny it. But, no, I will expose it so I can understand it. I probably haven't written that here- that I intend to homeschool my children. There are many reasons for my choice, and this is not the forum to explain those reasons. But, I quit my job. My plans for income include writing a successful novel. The chances of success from my first novel are slim, yes, but... I think I have something good, here. I think it will be successful. I need it to be, so I can support my family while staying home with them. But what if it's not?

I came to this decision to homeschool my kids after much ponder and prayer. I believe it is right for my family. I cannot, in good conscience, send them back to a public school after learning how the system works. I worked at a school till the end of the year a few weeks ago, and I just can't let them go back. I just can't. I have said I would rather live in a cardboard box and educate my kids myself than live in luxury and send them to a public school. That is how strongly I feel about it. Except, I do NOT want to live in a cardboard box. I don't want to lose what I already have. And, though I started out this summer with extreme confidence, it is already wavering. "What if?" keeps bugging my brain. What if it doesn't work? I'll be out of a job.

But. I'll be okay! DUH! I'm so glad I wrote this. This post, I'm sure, is waaaay more for me than for any of my readers, but I appreciate you reading, anyway. I hope someone else found some value to it.

No matter what, I'll be okay. I know in Whom I have trusted.