Hello, Enemy

Satan is good. I mean, good at what he does.

He knows me. He's known me a long time. Maybe we were chums, he and I, before the War in Heaven. I identify with rebels sometimes. :)

Well, I have been really down today. Today seemed so long, and I feel like I was kicked in the gut. I'm overwhelmed and fearful and tired and all I want to do is bend over, catch my breath, and cry. I was mean to my kids. They're precious and innocent and I was mean. I yelled at them. Man, I hate when I do that. They never deserve that, you know? In other ways, I was neglectful of their needs. I was so selfish today. I feel horrible about that.

All these negative thoughts kept swarming around inside my head. I'm a terrible mother. I wish the kids had a better mom. I'm not enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not doing enough. I'm so lazy. I'm so stupid. All I do is forget stuff and break promises. It's too hard. I can't. Stuff like that. All day long. It's been quite the emotional beating.

It took until right about now for me to realize Satan's hand in this. Guess what? I'm in new territory. This is day 79 and I have never gone this long w/o a sex addiction fix. Of course he's out to get me! This is not a good day for him. So he tried to make it a lousy day for me. He succeeded. But he didn't win!

I admit, temptations today have been strong. I don't know that I ever wanted to heed them, but ideas, all day long, about submitting to the sins of my past, have been entering my consciousness, much more than usual. I have said no to everyone of them, with relative ease, but I have had to say no a lot more today than in days past. That gets annoying. That gets old. Satan knows that. I didn't turn to God till the end of the day. I didn't leave the burden of the day at His feet till the kids were finally sleeping. Then I realized what was going on, why I feel so crappy today, and I knelt and let it all out. I cried and cried and repented and He heard me. And He reminded me that the Enemy is strong, but He is stronger. And that I'm not out of the woods yet.

Captain Moroni is brilliant. His strategies of war were ahead of his time. What he did was strengthen the weakest areas. The very weakest city he made his strongest city! When the enemy attacked, they figured it'd be an easy win. But they were defeated. The took off and went to another city which had been weak before but was strong now, thanks to Moroni. There, they met a similar fate. No one of Moroni's men were killed. Not one fatality! They then surrounded the enemy and defeated them. I think this story is in Alma 49. Moroni did what I need to do. Strengthen my weakest areas so that the enemy cannot attack me there anymore! What are my weakest areas?
I think a few are:
-how easily I become overwhelmed. To strengthen this, I must resolve to remain faithful and hopeful in hard times. I must remember the sun is always shining, and that all hard things are temporary.
-my idleness. I spend too much time on the computer when I should be cleaning, writing my novel, or playing with my sweet kids. To strengthen this, I must take that leap of faith. I feel stuck in this habit. I feel like I can't break free. But I can and I must and I will. To become stronger here, I must believe that God will make weak things become strong unto me if I come unto Him with my weakness.
-Men who pay attention to me. To strengthen this, I must love and accept and validate myself, so that I don't a man to do those things. I must turn to God to remind me of my worth, not to man.
-Being right. To strengthen this, I must humble myself in prayer and ask for guidance in picking my battles.

I'm going to do what Captain Moroni did and make my weak places strong. Then, the enemy can't win.

Tomorrow's another day. Tomorrow is day 80! I remember being in a PASG meeting once, and one of the men said he was 80 days clean and I couldn't believe it. I couldn't imagine ever being that far myself. But here I am! Look where I am! Look how far Jesus has led me! 80 days! Only 20 more till my 100 day dinner. Woot!

Here's to being of good cheer the next time the sun comes up! I got this! Jesus has got this!