Idleness

Today, I did almost nothing.

I don't have to go to work. I made a family schedule for the summer but I have chosen to not abide by it. I have never been an organized person- why start now? uugghhh I seriously cannot STAND myself when I'm like this! I hate today. I hate what I did with it- or, rather, what I didn't do with it.

On the other hand, it wasn't completely wasted. I laughed with my kids a bit, but mostly I was so disgusted with myself that I wasn't in a good mood, even with them. I did a few loads of laundry. I wrote a bit in my Moral Inventory. I looked for my cell phone which has been lost since Friday. I think I ate. And I watched three episodes of my favorite show: 24. Oh, wait, that's not productive. Ha.

This is an addiction, my tendency to avoid duty. I don't know what it is. I need to treat it like an addiction and recover from it, like I am doing with my sexual addiction. I tell myself just the same things I used to tell myself when I wanted to look at porn or do something sexually irresponsible, and when I was actually engaged in it. "I'll start doing better tomorrow." "I wish I wasn't doing this." "I can't stop." "This is how it's always been."

It's even triggered by the same things that trigger my sexual addictions: being overwhelmed (there's so much to do and I can't do it all so I may as well do nothing), being afraid, and feeling alone.

Well, isn't this familiar?

This is fantastic news, though, because it means I'm not beyond hope. I can become an organized, motivated woman! Just like I am now clean enough to carry a temple recommend. And the great thing is, since the symptoms are so similar, then maybe I know just how to overcome this.

Idleness is extreme selfishness. And it just feels so gross. I think about the sacrifices I have made in order to put off my natural, carnal state in order to find my spiritual state. I think of the things I have given up. None of them were easy at the time! Most notably, Pepsi. I gave it up. Most recently, I gave up singing karaoke in bars. That one still stings just a little bit because I love karaoke so much and the best place to do it is in bars. I went to mostly clean bars with mostly great people who sang mostly appropriate songs. And drinking was never a temptation for me. I just want to go and sing. Anyway, Heavenly Father put a bug in my ear to stop going to those. Fine.

I gave up watching Dr. Phil. I gave up talking about sex to my friends. I gave up using language that was purposefully even subtly suggestive. I gave up kissing men! I gave up negative thoughts that were dragging me down. I gave up seeking out inappropriate scenes in books and movies. I gave up a few friends.

My point is that sacrifice has been vital to my recovery, and I think sacrifice will be vital to my recovery from an idleness addiction. Sacrifice and work are partners, and work and idleness are enemies. I feel a resistance when I think of giving up idleness. I want to become someone who is honest and productive with her time. Actually, I take that back. I don't want to become such a person; I want to be such a person. Forget the process of becoming! I don't want to do the process!

Oh my goodness, this is exactly how I was thinking several months ago before I finally turned wholly to God, in regards to my sexual addiction! Like, exactly the same thing. I remember this. I remember the resistance, the denial, the fear, the size of the mountain before me seeming insurmountable. I remember the doubt! I remember the isolation. I remember all these feelings!

So weird.

One unfortunate thing about recovery is that you suddenly see a hundred other flaws in yourself. At least that happens to me. One beautiful thing about recovery is that you know how to fix it! You know to whom to turn. You know you can be healed. At least, I do.

The wonderful thing about this horrible, wasted day, is that I learned that even this wretched lifestyle of idleness is "treatable," if you will. Even this is covered by the Atonement. Even this weakness can be made a strength. I'll try again tomorrow, and I'll include God a little more, and just like before, I'll give him my heart piece by piece.