90 Days Sober: What it's Really Like

I've been really thinking about this 90 day thing. Here are some of my observations:

• It's still hard
  I still say no all the time. Several times a day, ideas break into my thoughts, ideas of giving in just one more time. I'm still saying no all the time.
  
• It's not as hard as it used to be
  Even though I'm still saying no every day, most of the time it's so easy that I scarcely notice it. It's like sometimes I get ideas to try a cigarette. Having never smoked before, and having never wanted to smoke before, it's so easy to say no to those. The very idea is ridiculous! That's how my nos are sometimes with reminders about my addiction. Sometimes, the idea is so absurd, that the "no" is second nature. A few months ago, every "no" took every bit of energy that I had. Now, only a few Nos take a lot of energy.
  
• 90 days isn't an end; it's a beginning
  It's tempting for me to lose focus here; to lose vigilance. But, I know that I cannot. Just because it's easier to say no today does not mean it will be easy to say no tomorrow. I have to keep up with recovery and know that Satan isn't done yet. Life isn't done yet. It's going to get really hard and I will be tempted to run to my old comfort. I know that I don't get to let my guard down just because I've met an important milestone.
  
• 90 days isn't that long!
  It feels like forever, in some ways. It feels like my old life is in the shadows of the past. But, 3 months of sobriety and 6 months of mostly-sobriety is almost nothing compared to over a decade (cumulatively) of active addiction. While it's a record for me, and worthy of celebration, recovery is still new. I'm still new at this. I still don't know all the ins and outs of this lifestyle. I'm still more accustomed to my old lifestyle than this one. Even though it sometimes feels like I'm a veteran by now, I'm not. I'm barely getting started in the realm of recovery. I have a lot to learn. It's like being at a new job. By three months, you finally feel like you know your way around. You're finally comfortable and confident. But, when you work with someone who's been there 20 years, it's clear how much you really don't know. And that's okay. I can ask questions. I can ask for help. I have to remember, though, that I do not know everything, and that I'm still new.
  
• Even after six months of active recovery, my ARP meetings are extremely meaningful and helpful
  
• Just when I think I have mastered something, I realize I haven't
  
• Learning never stops
  
• The mountain before me that at one time was insurmountable is no longer scary
  
• The mountain that is no longer scary is by no means easy
  
• But hard is okay, now
  
• My faith has increased
  
• I am happier than I have ever been
  
• I can see much more clearly, now; the fear is gone! (cue music)
  
• Last but not least, I have learned so much of Jesus' individual and deep love for me.
  

I have come to love recovery. I am hopeful for continued recovery and truth and light. I am constantly trying to find the balance between faith vs fear; arrogance vs confidence. I know that I cannot fear failure, for fear causes failure. But, I also know that I cannot arrogantly proclaim that I know I will forever abstain. The truth is, I don't know if I will slip again, but, I can't be afraid of slipping. It's a difficult balance, and the more faith I have, the more I need, so the balance changes all the time.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Thanks for helping me reach 90 days! Here's to 95!