All My Sins; More on Idleness

The task before me seems insurmountable; the task of overcoming all my sins and character weaknesses. There are so many! Lamoni's father told God, "I will give away all my sins to know thee." Um, wow. That is some serious surrender.

I'm going to be honest: I don't know if I'm there. There are sins and character weaknesses that I love, and I'm not ready to give them away. It's kinda ridiculous because if I've learned anything through this addiction, it's that I can change! It's that Jesus saves, heals and changes!

My next big mountain is idleness. I've mentioned this before, I know. I'm just so scared of it! It seems insurmountable! I am idle, okay?! I admit that I am lazy! My house is a disaster and it's partially because I have children and it's hard, but it's partially because I am lazy. There. I admit it. There, are you happy now? Do you who know me feel a sense of "I was right!" by my admission?

But you know what? It's not even true. I'm not lazy. I know how to work hard. I do work hard! Just not on organization. It's not laziness that prompts my continued failure to organize and be neat. It's a lot of other things.

I want to fix all of my character weaknesses right now. They are all urgent. I am not good with money. I need to spend more time with my children- not just be in the same area as they are. I need to eat better. I need to be kinder to people. I need serve more. I need to share more. I need to be a better missionary, visiting teacher, sister, mom, aunt, daughter. I need to get a more organized food storage. I should have a garden. The list is extremely long but I'll stop there. I have too much to work on but I can't can't can't do it all at once. And that's okay. Everyone's just going to have to be patient with me as I humble myself before God and become strong.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

The above verse has several "key points." The one I'm focusing on now is the "become." ". . .then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (italics added). The word "become" implies a process. It isn't a magic at-once change. My weak things (idleness, for example), will become strong if I humble myself before God and have faith in Him. The promise is there, in the word, "will." The condition is there, in the ". . . if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me . . ." The process is indicated in the "become."

This is so hopeful to me! Yes, it's a process, and that's okay! Even so, I can feel myself kicking and screaming, saying, noooo! I don't want to give up my sin/character weakness of idleness! No! I'm not ready!

It comforts me. My mess is comforting to me. I enjoy being able to deny people from coming over because of my messy house. I enjoy having something to apologize for when people do come over. If they see my mess, my other weaknesses are hidden, you know? It distracts me from the real problem. It distracts me so well from the real problem, that I don't even know what the real problem is. And guess what? If I "fix" this, if I become constantly active and organized, then I'm quite sure I'll find some other character weakness that I don't want to face. Like this one. Sexual addiction was hiding character weaknesses that I didn't want to face.

What am I hiding with my refusal to get off my butt and DO SOMETHING? What lies under the dusty surfaces of my home? I feel like it's something I don't want to reveal. Responsibility is there, maybe.

Also-- and this is legitimate-- I don't know how to be organized. I don't. Like with my sex addictions, I didn't know how to recover. I finally trusted God and leaned on Jesus and finally everything worked out--

Oh.

Okay, here's the thing. This is huge, yes. Sex addiction is huge, too, but I'm recovering! This is hard, yes. But so is recovering from sex addictions, and I'm doing it! I didn't have all the tools for recovery for a long time, but the patience and perseverance were worth it. And, so, recovering from idleness may take a long time, but every effort will be worth it, and eventually, I'll be where I want to be. And it's okay if it takes a really long time. This is a lifestyle problem, yes. I have been idle/lazy/untidy/disorganized my whole life, yes. But, I have been inappropriately curious about sex, and an addict, almost my whole life, and I'm overcoming!

I'm really sorry for the nearly duplicate blog post. I needed to write this out. Thanks for your patience.

I want to be able to say "I will give up all my sins to know thee." I know that, while I am closer to my Father than I ever have been, I am not close enough. And I can only get closer to Him by giving up my sins. All of them.

Thankfully, I am not required to run faster than I have strength. Thankfully, I am not required to give up all my sins this very instant. Thankfully, God knows me and He will enable me to do whatever I seek to do in coming closer to Him. Lord, if Thou wilt be patient with me, if Thou wilt show me my weakness, if Thou wilt make me strong where I am weak as I surrender to Thee, then I will give away all my sins to know Thee.

Even this one of idleness.