I am having a hard time. I need some encouragement! I am feeling worthless, unappreciated, and a little fearful. Sometimes I'm okay being my own encouragement and reassurance, but tonight, for some reason, I am longing to feel important to someone. I need to matter tonight. I'm not feeling "tempted," per se, but I'm feeling all those triggery feelings. I am 98% certain that I'll "get to bed safe," but I'm not sure that I will get to bed feeling strong or healthy.
This week has taken the optimism and confidence out of me somehow. I am looking for it and trying to restore it. I need some reminders that I am not pointless.
I don't like feeling fragile and weak like this. I don't like feeling so out of control of my emotions. It's not a new thing for me, but it's new recently! I have been feeling on top of things for the past few months but now I feel like everything is on top of me.
Maybe this is a gentle indication that I have slackened in my efforts? That I have forgotten the Source of my strength? That I need to turn more determinedly to my Savior?
Perhaps.
Regardless, I'm reaching out. Yeah, I guess I'm fishing. I guess it's shameless. But I just need some encouragement. Don't we all sometimes?
I admire you for saying it straight-up. Really, I do.
ReplyDeleteSO .... I read this awesome post once and I think about it EVERYTIME I use the word "worthless". My shame habits have even changed--I still feel shame, all the time, but I have banned shame from using the word "Worthless". Here's the link to the post....its pretty much the most inspiring thing ever: http://step-4.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-worth-of-your-soul.html
From your biggest fan.
ps. RIGHT??? I mean, for real!
DeleteSeattle, your response made me a bit weepy! Thank you thank you for your compassion and understanding! Man, you're sweet. Thank you.
DeleteI feel ya sista! But I love you and I think you're pretty stinkin amazing. You're working recovery like a mad women and I love that and I'm super proud of you. Keep your chin up and keep on going, one step at a time. I'm here for you, and you know that. And you know that I love you. Good job reading out and asking for help.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this is an indication AT ALL that you have 'slacked' in any way, shape or form. This is an indication that Satan is PISSED at you! He's mad that you are doing so well and fighting so hard and that you are so close to getting to the temple. :) Keep it up lady. You're stronger than you know.
thanks, Annette! You are a great friend. :)
DeleteSo here's my theory about hard times. We have to have them. If we didn't feel crappy/worthless then how can we appreciate the good times? It sucks, I know! But hang in there. You are important to me! And good times will come and you will be thankful because you remember the bad times.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree about hard times, Stacey! Thank you for your kind words!
DeleteI definitely agree with Annette that Satan is trying his hardest to pull you away from your goal.
ReplyDeleteAnd hey, let me tell you how you are important to me. Since you shared your blog with me (what, yesterday?) I have been compelled to read the whole thing, which was easy, btw because you are an awesome writer. You, my friend, amaze and inspire me. Your faith and your strength have grown so so so much since the start of this blog. You've come so far, and you will go so much farther. And reading your words strengthens me also. Your faith bolsters mine, and I need it. The truths you have discovered for yourself are true for everyone. You are important to so many of the people you know. Most importantly, you are important to God and to Christ. And you know that all you have to do is ask, and your resolve will strengthen again. And also, it's four in the morning now that I've finally caught up, and I am too tired to think of synonyms for words like 'strength', 'faith', and 'important'. I also lack the motivation to take the time to use a thesaurus since my brain is a bit mushy right now. But! I will tell you what I am motivated to do. I'm going to meaningfully read some scriptures tonight, even if it's not even a whole chapter (you know because of the whole 4 am thing- toddlers don't care that mom made poor choices with her bedtime).
Oh, my dear friend Rebekah! Thank you! What kindness you write! Thank you for reading my entire blog!! That flatters me. :)
DeleteI hope your kids didn't wake you too early! Love you.