I have been playing a game. I have been wearing a mask. I put it on before I look in the mirror so I can pretend to fool myself. But, the truth is, I'm struggling. A lot, actually.
I'm sad. I'm discouraged. I'm afraid. I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. I'm angry. I'm sorry.
I'm slipping. And that's the truth. And I'm afraid that by admitting that truth, I will be judged for not recovering the right way. AH! How insecure I am! But, right now, that is my truth.
I've been drinking Pepsi. Oh, sweet Pepsi. I've been ignoring promptings. I've been failing to give up my heart. I've been comparing myself to other addicts in recovery, knowing that they're all better than me because they're recovering better than I am and they are stronger and smarter and harder working and I am just a loser and I can't be like them so I'm going to fail. Comparing is not okay, not okay. And I've been doing that a lot. But, seriously, why is everyone else so much-- ugh, never mind. Anyway, I've been refusing to be healed. I've been running. Just like in the poem I posted the other day. I'm running away! I do not want to make this next big change God wants me to make. He wants me to become busy and generous with my time. Noooooo, I am so selfish with my time and I like that! Why does He want me to give it to Him? I'm just not ready. I can't. He wants me to be busy and organized and stop this idleness. I've been fighting against the idea for the past several weeks. Nope. I got this, thanks. But it just made things worse. And I have become even more idle! Which makes me angry, sad, discouraged, fearful and stressed.
Finally, finally, the buildup of anxiety over these past few weeks became too heavy tonight, and I fell to my knees beneath its weight. And poured out my heart to my Father. And I sobbed and I sobbed and I sobbed. And I said sorry. And I said help. And I said please. It sounded a lot like this, actually, intermingled with shameless sobs: "I don't want to be like this! But I don't think I'm ready to change. I don't want to change. Help me want to change, Lord!" and, "I need help. I feel alone and I need help. Canst Thou hear me?" And I waited.
And I heard nothing.
I wondered, Where is He? I need Him now and He's silent.
But, in the few minutes it's taken me to write this post, He has shown me He is here. He heard. And I'm embarrassed by my impatience.
He won't take this from me. He won't make it go away. But, He will help me through it. My job is to make the first step. I'm scared of that first step, but last time I made it, miracles happened.
I was slipping but I'm going to wake tomorrow to a new day and climb again. I was talking to a friend tonight, and we helped each other a bit, and I mentioned that tomorrow's a new day! I've been grumpy and sad and discouraged for so long, but tomorrow's a new day! And she said, "and 10:17 is another moment in time." I looked at the clock and it was 10:15. And it hit me: why even wait for tomorrow? Who says I can't buck up and try hard right now? Her comment was so profound to me.
I still haven't really smiled, but my head doesn't hurt from worry anymore. I'm still scared about giving up this next big thing, but I am hoping again.
Never has this meant more to me than it does now:
My mission president always told me that when he got down on his knees in the morning, he thanked God that he was perfect again. Everything from the previous day was the past and he had a new slate.
ReplyDeleteKeep your prayers up :) That's the only way you'll get through it, with Him.
yes, that is lovely, thank you. Each new day is a gift; a new chance!
DeleteI'm so glad you had someone to talk things out with and that she was able to provide helpful insight. Praying for you my friend. Love ya :)
ReplyDeletethank you!
DeleteI'm sorry you're struggling right now! Wanting to want to change but not being quite ready to make that step is my least favorite place to be but it seems like I'm there way too often. I love that "and 10:17 is another moment in time". That is exactly what I needed to hear. I always tell myself I'll change or do better tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes and I don't do it right so I stop trying for the rest of that day and tell myself I'll do better tomorrow. But the perfect tomorrow never comes. I need to make an effort now and not worry about getting it right the whole day. That'll come eventually but if I do well for at least part of the day then that is already better than what I've been doing. Progress.
ReplyDeleteAnd I want you to know that you are amazing. I don't struggle with all the same things you do but I struggle with my own things. Sometimes I'm really strong and other times I'm ridiculously weak. Everyone is like that. I love how open you are -remember that most people aren't that open. They are struggling even if you don't know about it. Some of these people that you feel inferior to may actually find you inspiring.
Treasa! I love you! Thank you for pointing these things out, and for your understanding! We do not have to share identical struggles in order to understand each other, and benefit from each others' successes and learn from their failures. :)
DeleteAnd I think you're right. Some people aren't quite as open as I am. Maybe when I think they're way better than I am, they're simply not sharing as much as I am. And maybe they're smart for that, haha. :)
ah Stephanie I'm sorry to hear this. This addiction stinks. But your victory was when you were on the ground sobbing and praying. This addiction is meant to crush our wills and egos. It is like military boot camp. We get pounded. Drill Sergeant Satan yells in our faces.
ReplyDeleteThe sooner we just let go....the better. But everyday, I wake up and want to take my will back. We have to take steps 1,2,3 every day. EVERY DAY.
I agree, this entire past month, i've been a really prideful addict. I don't want to go to meetings. I don't want to make calls. I'm exhausted from doing all that.
And then...after acting out probably a dozen times at least, I stop and realize that i'm beating my head against the wall.
Trust. Trust that winning every day is worth it. Every recovering i have EVER met will tell you how life is better. And yes we resent them! Ah, i hate it when they say that!! I want life to be good and act out!! haha. But no, it won't happen. I can't. It is like a thorn in our feet. It just stays full of puss and blood. nasty! just pull the dang thing out.
Don't be ashamed ever. I still worry about saying i'm struggling. It sucks to say. We all want to be stellar writers. Get lots of pageviews. "forget yourself and go to work." :)
Oh, that surrender, it's so hard and yet so very, very easy. I actually love when addicts in long-time recovery say how awesome things are! It inspires me. :)
DeleteYour "forget yourself and go to work" reminder was very timely. Thank you!
Thanks for the candid honesty:-) I appreciate it and it helps me feel safe sharing my own struggles.
ReplyDeleteThere is a song that I always go to when I;m falling off my wagon... I'd like to share it with you:-)
Havoc - Alanis Morissette
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kl-kpRAZbHo
Love you!
Great song, Sidreis! Thank you! Alanis often speaks to my heart. :) And thanks for appreciating my honesty!
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