The Day I Did Step Five

Step 5:
Confession
Key Principle: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.

It's interesting how important each of these confessions are. Probably the most difficult for me was admitting to myself the exact nature of my wrongs. Once I did that, everything else was easier. But not easy!

I've admitted to God all along the way. I have always known that He knows and I haven't usually been afraid to talk to Him about anything I've done. I know that He looks at it as what it is, and that is so comforting to me. He sees everything to do with the behavior. He sees all the contributors. He sees my heart. I have always believed that, and I usually don't feel ashamed to talk to Him. So confessing to my God hasn't usually been so difficult.

Confessing to bishops has always been difficult. But I have always managed to make myself do it. God has always given me the courage I need.

Confessing to myself, like I said, was very difficult. Admitting what was wrong and what really wasn't wrong was difficult. Acknowledging that I did something bad-- really bad-- was hard. But step five was amazing with that. More on that momentarily.

Confessing to "another person" was the one I feared most. I couldn't see myself doing that! But tonight I finally did! I prayed for courage. I prayed for the Spirit. This day is a miracle. Like God planned it all out and I went with it. Last week, I planned to have lunch with a dear friend. Today, I was finishing my inventory and it was getting very intense, as I indicated in my previous post. Because of that preplanned lunch, I was able to get away exactly when I needed to. If I didn't have that lunch planned, I may have tried to make myself hurry through so I could get it done, and in so doing reach a point of no return in carnal thoughts and desires.

I came back from lunch and had a very long piano lesson. (I was teaching.) And then I finished my inventory. I finished at the exact minute I needed to leave to pick up my daughter from her dad's house to get her to her first ever dance recital. She was so beautiful! Then I dropped her back off and drove home and kinda freaked out because I knew my friend would be there very soon, maybe waiting when I got there, and I was scared. I wasn't scared of her judging me. I wasn't scared of her losing respect, or even of her thinking I was crazy. Because I know what kind of person she is, I knew I didn't need to fear any of that. But I feared saying aloud the many things I have never said aloud before. I feared that somehow admitting them would make me a worse person. Almost like they didn't really happen if I never admitted it. But they did happen, and I will tell you what admitting them to another person did- it made it okay.

I'm very grateful to a wonderful friend who was not afraid to call it like she saw it, but who also made me feel like a normal and loved human being after sharing with her every secret I could recall. She was perfect for the job and I couldn't have asked for a better listener. She validated what I needed validated and acknowledged what I needed acknowledged while not sacrificing truth in order to spare my feelings. Honestly, because her personality and extreme awesomeness, she could have told me anything, and I would have known it was in love, and I could not have been offended. Dear friend-- my exquisite gratitude is yours.

I think that the miracle of step 5 is that it significantly diminishes shame. It diminishes the shame of both the things we've done and the things that have been done to us. Even though I was admitting things that I'm quite sure most normal human beings do not do, admitting them to another person made me human. It made me normal. I don't know how that works but it did for me. The miracle of step 5, at least for me, is self-acceptance.

Like this:
Stephanie, you have done some bad things. You have done some horrible things. You are sorry, and I accept you. I don't accept you without those things, or separately from them, but with them. They are a part of you, and I accept all of you. I accept you! Even with that embarrassing thing you did that one day. Even with each of your flaws and past mistakes and poor choices, I accept you.

I accept me. I love me. I love me and I get me and I feel sad for all the bad things that happened to me and I see how those contributed to the poor choices I have made. But they also contributed to my every victory. I feel good about all the healthy choices I have made, and I recognize that even in the darkest times, I still made some very good choices. And I accept those, too. The self-love that is burning inside me testifies to the usefulness and beauty of the ever-dreaded Step 5.

Dear Stephanie,
I love you.
I love you exactly as you are
As you were
And as you ever will be.
I love you,
And I accept you.

Love, me.