The more I realize how selfish I've been, the more I wonder how selfish I still am. I break through more and more stone in my heart and it makes me wonder how much is really there.
It feels even selfish to work on recovery. All I'm thinking about is me! All I'm thinking about is MY recovery. Everything I'm doing is to that end, or to feed my addiction. Still there are parts of my addiction that are very active, and I keep finding out more and more of those parts. 100% of my time is spent on either my recovery from addiction, or addiction.
Me, me, me, me, me.
I'm sick of me but I'm also so scared to let up. I used to be more afraid of giving up this addiction than getting through it, but now it's the opposite. I'm terrified to go back. Living actively in addiction is far more terrifying to me than living in active recovery.
I don't really have much to share tonight. Whose idea was this write-a-post-every-night anyway? haha.
I don't know who's idea it was, but it was a good one! We can't give up. We can't!
ReplyDeletenever gonna give up!
DeleteJust a thought for you that worked for me and you are pretty much doing it with blogging. I don't have a blog but every day I take a few minutes and write in my tender mercies journal. I think about the day and what mercy I recieved from God that day. This has been HUGE in helping me get outside of the selfish realm. I also pray a ton for blessings and opportunities of service. I have had to allow others to serve me and that has brought a lot of humility too. Start with little things, take someone dinner, buy a special treat for your kids, play a game with them or anything that will give service to your family. Write a note to someone. I know you probably already know all of this but this has helped me so much just in the last 2 weeks or so to not feel so selfish and depressed. Loves!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that has been helpful! I would like to start a tender mercy journal myself. God is soooo good to me. Great suggestions!
DeleteIt would be the adversary that's telling you not to focus on your right now. I know what you mean by it feeling selfish though... but really - you have to be selfish right now. With each step in recovery we progress from looking completely at ourselves to looking outside ourselves and helping others. Each step teaches us how to do that.
ReplyDeleteIt might help to change up the wording a bit. Instead of looking at it as 'selfish' look at it more as 'selfcare':-)
I do have to be selfish right now and I'm pretty okay with it. I feel horrible for all the years I've missed with my kids. I feel like I'm using all this time on myself right now, but if I was actively giving into the flesh, I wouldn't be anymore focused on them than I am now. I have to get through this. I have to get on solid ground, standing by myself. Then I can turn my focuses outward and be the mom my kids deserve.
Delete