Choosing Hope

This is all part of the cycle. The Adversary has turned my thoughts to how horrible I am. I have taken the bait! I'm not okay with my behavior last night. I was moping and refusing to do what I needed to do. Being single makes it harder, sometimes, maybe, to do things that I would do if someone else was watching. If nobody but me and my forgiving little kids see my messy house, then it seems like no big deal. If I don't have another adult to feed, then it's easy to make dinners that have little nutritional value. My kids don't care! If I spend three hours watching TV after the kids are in need, I have no one to answer to.

So after work yesterday, I stayed up way too late. I allowed some thoughts to linger that I should not even allow entrance. I bought all the "you suck" lies from Satan. I laid on my couch, watching TV, till about 2 in the morning. I hadn't watched TV in a while and I had many episodes of a few of my favorite shows to catch up on (via my DVR). It was between two shows: The Biggest Loser, and Nashville. I love them both but hadn't seen Biggest Loser at all yet this year, but I'm super wrapped up in the story of Nashville right now. I love all the music so much! But, honestly, it's a little smutty and quite negative and I'm going to stop recording it effective immediately because I'm about 90% certain that if I'd chosen to catch up on Nashville last night, my already-beginning thoughts and ideas would have been expounded upon, and I would have found it easier and easier to make tiny allowances until I'd gone too far.

I chose to watch Biggest Loser instead. For three hours. Sigh. I'm not saying I made the right choice. The right choice would have been to suck it up, get my kitchen clean, and go to bed early. But, out of the wrong choices that were before me, I made the better one, and I'm so glad I did.

This morning I decided to live a better day today. I realized that the self-defeating thoughts were just part of Satan's plan! He kinda won a small battle yesterday. He broke me down a bit by getting me to believe his lies about my worth. He gained some ground yesterday, but I stopped him today. I caught him! I remembered, thanks to a tender mercy, that this is what usually happens. After I'd been clean a while, I'd start to see a hundred other character weaknesses in myself. I'd start to beat myself up about them. I'd start to get discouraged because of them. And then I'd start to get scared to face them. So I didn't. I'd return to the addiction again because it was only one problem, as opposed to many. And then it'd become the only problem worth my effort yet again.

But yesterday, while I came closer than I have in a while, I didn't slip. And this morning, thanks be to God, I saw what Satan was doing. He's done this before, so many times! I'm not falling for it, not this time.

YES, I have many character weaknesses. BUT they do not affect my great worth. They are not insurmountable (unless I try to tackle them all at once). They are not outside God's realm of power to heal. I can turn it all over to Him; big or small.

Instead of giving into the familiar and, frankly, comfortable despair that I'm accustomed to, I am choosing hope.

Five weeks today. :)