God's Love is Still Real

Perhaps you remember how I had expressed worry that I wouldn't have those sweet moments of feeling God's love if I kept sobriety.

Today I was proven wrong! HOORAY! I have been feeling so good lately. I have tried so hard to take the reins of my thoughts and control the direction I want them to go. Thought is so powerful. This isn't news. This isn't some great discovery. We've had this information so long- that thought is powerful! I don't know why it seems that so few exercise their full power over thought.

It's easier, far easier, to control my thoughts than it is to control my reaction to them. I have been working hard keeping the negativity out of my head. All of it. As soon as I recognize that a thought is negative, I boot it out and replace it with something positive. God is so good because He is giving me time to master this. I feel like I haven't been hugely tempted yet, and I think that He is rewarding my efforts.

So, anyway, I was driving today, thinking about all my blessings. I was thinking about how great it is to be 7 weeks free of addiction's bind. I was thinking of how great it is that Jesus rescued me over and over, so many different times, even when He knew I would later fall. All of my past successes have led to this point. All of my past failures have led to this point. I don't know if I'm ever going to slip or relapse, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm not going to worry about that ever. If it happens, worrying about it now isn't going to change that. However, worrying about it now, may very well ensure that it will.

I'm still taking this one day at a time, though. It's so cliche, but it's so crucial. I remembered seeing a quote once that suggested to, during the Sacrament, think about the promises you kept the week before, and the promises you will keep the coming week. The moment I thought about making a promise to stay clean for a whole week, I was filled with terror. I can't promise that! I can't do a week at a time. My mind went into a frenzy and for a short moment, fear occupied every space of it. I immediately calmed myself down and reminded myself that I can go a day a time, and that's okay. I really only have to be clean for one day, that's it. I only have to make it through one day. Just one day. As long as that day's today, that is all I need to do. Just one day. Often, closer to the beginning of this 7 week stretch, when a temptation begged my attention, I'd simply tell myself, "no for now." It's comforting to me. Even though I know I really hope to say "no forever," "no for now" is easier to swallow. Sometimes I had to say "no for now" several times a day. Now, I don't want to succumb to the Adversary, so it's not so much "no for now" as it is "what are you doing here? Go away." hahaha. However,the "no for now" philosophy is helping a great deal with my Pepsi addiction (though I sometimes still say "yes for now" -- ha -- I have been consuming far less of that stuff).

But, I digress. Again, I was driving today (wow, that was a long tangent!) and realizing just how good I have it, how blessed I am, and I prayed. As I talked to my loving Father in Heaven, I felt His spirit near. I talked and talked and He listened and then He responded by filling my heart with that familiar warmth that I have always loved so much about that moment of repenting. As I drove, I cried, and I knew that everything would be okay.

It's nice here. Right now I feel like there's nothing I can't do, if I want to do it. I have God on my side, and He's bigger than any challenge. Instead of fearing tomorrow, I face it with courage, to the very best of my ability.

Eleven days to go till 60 days! I'm already shopping for CTR rings. :)