Stepping into my Life; A Confession

Recovery is a strange thing. It's a powerful thing, an enlightening thing, a transforming thing.

You know how people who lose weight and keep it off say things like "It's a lifestyle change!" This is one reason I'm scared to lose weight. I am not interested in changing my entire lifestyle! That sounds way too hard.

However, I have found that recovery from addiction is very similar. I have noticed that, for myself, I cannot recover without changing many aspects of the way I live the rest of my life. There is no such thing as simply changing my addiction. I can't eliminate it without eliminating other bad habits in my life, without creating new ones, without, essentially, changing my entire life.

But here's the thing. It's not that hard! I mean, it's not as huge or as hard as it sounds. Because, as I make changes in one area, I find that I want to make changes in another area. Success breeds success, yes?

Here's the other thing. It's slow. I cannot and do not expect change to happen overnight. I am becoming much, much more patient with myself, and this patience has been very enabling.

Another thing I have noticed is I am slowly becoming acquainted with my life. My life is rich and filled with beauty! I feel like I'm finally becoming a parent! I have always, always loved and cherished my children, of course. But I haven't always been there for them. I have been overcome with this addiction every second of my life, even when I wasn't actively participating in it. Addiction is a force, you know? A horrible, debilitating force that takes you out of your life. At least that's how it's been for me.

But now I'm stepping back into my life. I'm finding out who I am as it relates to my life. It's a very exciting and humbling journey. I'm seeing everything in a new light; most especially my children. I am seeing so clearly the mistakes I have made over the last nine years regarding them. (During my marriage, I wasn't actively engaged in my addiction, but I was actively engaged in hopeless depression, which also took me away from my kids.) I do feel a great deal of guilt about the way I've raised my kids. But I have to forgive myself, because I really was doing the best I could with what I knew.

I make parenting mistakes daily. I feel I haven't been able to focus on parenting all these years because I have focused so much on addiction and/or abstinence. It's tragic, really. I have missed out on so much, and my kids have missed out on a fully invested parent. It's not fair. Addiction is a robber.

I can't go back and fix it. I can't go back and be the parent I should have been. But I can change today. I can forgive myself and move forward. I can step into my life, step into my kids' lives, and slowly change my lifestyle so that I am focusing on them.

How I love my sweet children.

Now, onto something a little less positive. Last night something happened. I made some choices that were not in line with my lifestyle changes. It wasn't a slip. It wasn't a stumble. It was more of a temporary loss of balance, but I caught myself before I fell. I took my eyes off the goal and looked at the storm around me, and lost my balance. I ignored the warnings of the Spirit. But, I did regain my footing before I lost complete control of where I stood.

I woke incredibly angry at myself. How could I? But, it served as a good reminder that I am still wobbly, that I am still not out of the woods, that I'm still fragile.

Onward!