Addendum/HORRIBLE DAY/Recognizing Satan's Traps

First and foremost, I need to address my last post. I woke this morning so excited that it was my 60th day! I had to write about it. I wrote hastily, as I needed to get to work, and I failed to mention the Reason I even made it to this day. Many of you pointed it out to me in your comments on that post, for which I thank you! But, I'd realized it early. It was bugging me the entire day. I didn't even acknowledge, in that post, the Source, my Source, my only Source of motivation, peace, patience with myself, determination, and perseverance. I'm so grateful to my Savior for rescuing me from my own pit of despair, for for rescuing me still. I'm still in the process of being rescued by my Jesus. I'm still in the process of letting Him rescue me.

Sixty Days is amazing, and it feels so good. I can do anything through Christ!

I was so sure that today would be just the best day. I was so sure that nothing was going to be able to get me down. But, as it happened, today was a horrible day. And now I'm going to cry all over again because I'm writing about it.

First, I accepted an answer to many many prayers, and the answer was no. I have heard the answer the past day or two, but I couldn't acknowledge it, because I wanted this thing so much, and I just had to be right, and it just had to be good. But, finally, I stopped resisting the Spirit. I wasn't happy about it. I said, "Okay, FINE! I won't do it." As the day progressed, I became more humble, and God worked with me to assure me that it was okay. But then, something else happened, something that would seem so very, very petty to . . . anyone, probably. . . and so I won't here share the details. Let it suffice to say that I felt utterly unappreciated, attacked, misunderstood, judged and scorned. I am so scared to return to work tomorrow and face the mess made by today.

Well, after those two incidents, I felt beaten. And I couldn't find anything to be happy about. And I was so discouraged, and I was believing those lies that Satan likes to trap me with, those lies that I'm not good enough, that I'm horrible at everything. He was magnifying my character weaknesses and I was taking the bait. My weaknesses were all I could see about myself, even on this great day, this day of 60 days sober! That accomplishment did not mean as much as my failures.

I tried to shake it when I got home, for the sake of my kids. But instead I took it out on them and spoke a little meaner than I should have, for which I feel so sorry. I tried to shake it through the evening but I don't think I really wanted to. I wanted to hold on to the pain until someone validated it. But I wasn't willing to share it, because I'm so embarrassed that something so little got me so worked up. So I kept it in and it grew.

Then I attended my PASG meeting, where I vented. I never vent at those meetings. I am efficient. Almost all of my bosses have commented on how efficient I am. So I keep my sharing focused on recovery from addiction, this week's step, or the step I'm currently working on. :) And I make sure not to go over 3-5 minutes of sharing. Tonight, though, I vented, and I do not feel bad! I talked about my horrible day, and as I did, I was able to recognize Satan's familiar trap. He was trying to win me. He was trying to drag me back to his territory by making my mistakes appear huge, and making my weaknesses appear insurmountable. He was trying to discourage me and overwhelm me, because those two feelings have been what eventually brought me to return to my favorite sins in the past. He was trying to make something little appear enormous, and he was trying to make sure I did not talk to God about it. And as I shared, I realized that sometimes, especially as a single woman, I have to validate myself. I have to be the one to tell me it's okay. I have to be the one to tell me that YES, I deserve to be appreciated, and it's okay and understandable that I do not feel appreciated, and so forth.

One day at a meeting, I wrote this in my ARP manual, "When I'm frustrated, overwhelmed, give it to God. Don't wait till I have to give Him the burden of sin. Give Him the burden of the day."

I did that today, but not till later. However, I'm very grateful I didn't refuse to give him the burden of the day before I had the burden of sin to lay before Him. I could have laid it His feet hours before, and been freed of grief and self-pity the remainder of the day. Or at least it would have been lessened for me. He can validate me, too. Or, help me validate my feelings myself.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can even face tomorrow with Him. And, knowing Him, knowing His tender mercies and His eagerness to help me succeed, I believe He'll help me face tomorrow.

I'm emotionally exhausted, and it's left me also physically exhausted. Satan won a battle today. I was discouraged, like he wanted; overwhelmed, like he wanted; anxious, like he wanted. But tomorrow's another day, and Ima win tomorrow!

The facilitator at tonight's meeting said this to me: "Do you know why you had such a rough 60th day? It's because Satan didn't want you to have a 61st." I responded, "Well, he's going to be sad tomorrow, then."

These words from "Bring on the Rain" are now in my head:

Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost, but not the war
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain"

Good night, my dear Readers.