Confession

It is Wednesday.

Last Wednesday I did very bad things. Yesterday I did very bad things. And almost every day between. I'm done now.

We're not even talking my normal-bad. I went above and beyond this time. All week. I am miserable. heavy, low, sick...

Yet I feel compelled to return to God. Compelled. Why? Why would He want me? I've made a mockery of this body and mind and agency He has given me. Why would He want me?

Yet.... it appears He does.

There was this guy, see. I felt powerless to resist his advances because I liked them so much. It could have been worse. It wasn't ALL the way bad. The funniest thing is, I thought he liked me for me. He was lying. Satan was lying. I was lying.

The guy is out of my life now but he left some things behind and he took some things with him. I can't believe I fell for the lies of a man again. Why do I keep doing that? why do I keep trusting till I can't trust anymore, giving the benefit of the doubt till all doubt is gone.... How many times will I have this lesson before I learn it?

But that's not the real issue. The real issue is the choices I made. He came over Wednesday night and I was sure we wouldn't do anything. I told him I just wanted to be friends and he agreed, so when he said he wanted to kiss me, I was surprised. I should have said no but what can a kiss hurt, right? And I love kissing, and it's been SO LONG. So I said yes. He was speedy. He kissed me a few times and then he went for my neck and I said he shouldn't kiss my neck and he did again and it didn't take long at all for us to behave like lust-struck teenagers.

It is rare that my addiction translates onto other in-the-flesh humans. I was ill-prepared for that night. I worried that night would ruin my June 2 goal. I hoped it wouldn't but I didn't know. I was going to talk to the bishop. But then on Friday, I ruined it for myself. Porn on the iPhone. It's the only way I access the stuff. I erased June 2nd with that horrible experience. So now when that day comes I'll want to cry. I will cry, probably.

God didn't punish me and I wanted to be punished I think so I went looking for punishment. Saturday after work I walked into a sex store and made a purchase. I will post a video poem below and from it is this line: "yes, I would like to pay to become the opposite of what I want to be." I think this marks the first time I have ever made an addiction-related purchase.

Then more porn on the iPhone along with the use of my newly-purchased sin.

I couldn't look myself in the mirror, couldn't think about me or my future or my kids or my Jesus. Just my flesh.

Then God still didn't punish me. My house didn't blow up. I didn't get into a wreck. My kids were fine. At their dad's for the weekend, but fine.

Later Saturday, the guy wanted me to meet him for a good time and I wanted to meet him too but instead I went with my friend to her friends' house and we played a game and they were all drinking, all but me. For a little while. Until, for the first time in my 30+ years, I did not decline when I was offered alcohol. I drank it.

Nothing about that makes sense. Well, actually, it does. I wanted to make God punish me.

Know what happened? Nothin. I felt tired but I was up till 3:30. I could walk a straight line, I could do anything, I didn't feel any different and I was SO MAD. I wasn't punished. Nothing happened.

Before I went to sleep, I watched some more porn on my iPhone.

I didn't go to church the next day. The last time I remember skipping church without being ill was in 2004, the day I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child. That was almost eight years ago.

I skipped my recurring bishop's appt.

I talked to the guy on Sunday. We talked about things we shouldn't have talked about. I told him things I now regret with all my heart. I didn't care. I wanted to die, I wanted to make a reason for God to punish me.

I had about an hour of relative clarity on Sunday afternoon. I took my iPhone outside to the patio, dropped it to the concrete, and pounded it with a meat tenderizer. And a barbell. And a screwdriver. And I stomped on it. And I took it apart, layer by layer, and put it in the trash. Probably some shards of it still lay outside. I hate that stupid phone and now I never have to look at it again.

Monday I went to work and wanted to die and thought of some clever ways to die. But.... nothing bad happened.

Why isn't God punishing me?

Came home and talked online some more with the guy. We talked about sex. I kept telling him that I don't want to talk about sex. He kept telling me sorry. but it kept coming up. I told him if we had another conversation like that, that I wouldn't be his friend anymore. He said he will be a gentleman. He said he was in love with me. He's been saying that for a month or so now. I wish I never met him.

I kept making excuses for him. And for me of course.

So yesterday he called me and he said he just wanted closure. He was going to date this other girl he said. Okay. But we talked about sex, and on the phone it was somehow hotter than online and I just listened to him and he became my porn and I became his.

That was yesterday.

Today I asked him not to contact me again. 20 minutes later, he called. I answered and then hung up so he couldn't leave a voicemail. He never tried to call back.

That's the facts. I can't explain the feelings yet. I haven't quite faced myself, or God. But I can feel Him calling for me which kinda makes me mad because I just want Him to punish me. Why do I want that??

here's that video link. love this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B28zpGQNm5k