Something New

I don't know about other 12 step programs, but something has caught my attention recently about the Church's 12 step program. Its wording is unusual. Here is a quote from Step 11 of the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program book:

"You study the scriptures because they testify of Him in every instance, especially the Book of Mormon. In testimony after testimony, the prophets of the Book of Mormon describe seeking and finding a better understanding of the Father and the Holy Ghost. You have experimented on the scriptures and found them to be true. Prayer and meditation have become the lifeblood of your new life. Where prayer and meditation used to be a neglected duty, your heart's desire is now to kneel before your Father at least morning and evening and pour out your heart to Him in gratitude for Jesus Christ and for the Holy Ghost."

Whenever we study this step in the meetings I attend, in the past I've felt like it's a weird way to word things. And I think to myself, No, no I don't. No, my heart's desire is NOT to kneel before my Father. It didn't USED to be a neglected duty, it's STILL a neglected duty. Don't get me wrong, I love and cherish the deep conversations I have with God, but most of the time, I don't get that deep in prayer. I pray in a rush. I have things to do. Prayer is an obligation in my mind. I wish that it wasn't. I wish that step 11 described me.

But I started to wonder, surely the writers knew that we wouldn't all be there when we were reading step 11. Surely they knew that many of us addicts (most of us?) would read these words and realize that we most certainly aren't to this point yet. Then why did they write it that way?

The answer I have for myself is to inspire hope. Someone got this far. Someone in addiction recovery made it to this point. And so can I.

ALSO, the law of attraction comes to mind. I'm not a big "The Secret" freak. I've never seen it, in fact. And I kind of don't want to because it seems like most of these "law of attraction" videos and books are all about how to get money and stuff. Money and stuff aren't important. What I'm talking about is important things. I have known the Law of Attraction works before I even knew what it was. I have used it in my life. I have attracted wonderful things to myself by simply believing that I would have them. It's how I bought a house, and not just any house, but THIS house. It's how found peace after divorce. It's how got my current job.

In one of my classes at school, we were talking about how to get a job. My instructor read to us something out of Tony Beshara's Job Search Solution and he suggests that you think of a date in the future and describe it as if you were employed somewhere, on that future date, as if it is that future date. I believe the example he used was something like "It's Dec 16, 2012. I'm excited to celebrate my first Christmas at my new job. I look around at my coworkers and I feel happy and grateful to work in this great company," etc.

As she was reading that, I thought I'd try it on fixing my addiction. I've seen this work in my own life, not on this specific level, but in a very similar way, and anyway, I'm going to try it.

Here's part of what I wrote in my recovery journal:
It is June 2, 2012. I am going to the temple for the first time in many months. As I drive to [Temple Location], I reflect on the last 90 days. . . . Now, in one hour, I will be at the temple. . . . Never in my life have I felt such freedom. Feeling God's love is more constant now than it ever has been. My life has never been sweeter."

There's more than that, but I'll spare you.

Today, the temptations have been suffocating. At one point I dropped what I was doing in the kitchen, clenched my fists and said aloud, "June 2, June 2, June 2!" and I closed my eyes and imagined the scene I created, driving to the temple. Then I imagined myself in the temple. I looked around at all the worthy men and women, and I realized that I belonged there just as much as they did. I was just as worthy as they. Maybe the woman nearest me has never committed a sexual sin in all her life, but I am just as pure as she! We are the same in the temple, we are worthy and righteous, and I am just as my brothers and sisters around me.

I opened my eyes and asked myself "What is more important to me?" And I chose June 2. Sadly, the temptation still lingers. But I won't give in tonight. It is so very, very important to me to remain worthy until June 2.

So. Maybe this whole envisioning thing won't work forever but it sure worked today. I have a good feeling about this though. I really think I'm going to be in the temple on June 2, 2012.

8 days down, 82 to go.