It's only been 13 days since last I slipped. Two weeks is sometimes my limit. I mean, if I've been strong enough to last two weeks, it's usually at this time I slip again. Two weeks. It's not that long, but those two weeks of abstinence are extremely difficult. It usually gets a little easier once I make it past the 2-week barrier. So I have that to look forward to. Because I'm making it through this barrier this time if it kills me.
It kind of seems like it will kill me. But I know better. I'll make it through, and then, if my cycle proves true to form, I will have a short break, wherein the temptations will seem weaker and fewer. I can fortify my strongholds during this time and make preparations for the ambush that will likely occur at 3 weeks, and then again at 4 weeks. That will be the nigh on impossible one. I'll maybe be white-knuckling through that one like I am now.
Whenever I look in my mental mirror, I see myself gripping to tube things, gripping them as hard as I can, and my knuckles are white, and my face is in a horrible grimace, and I'm sweating cartoon drops of sweat, and I'm grr-ing. And sometimes I have to remind the real-life me to breathe.
Do you ever have an itch (literal) that you try to make yourself not scratch, just to see how long you can make it? I tried that today, while I was seeing myself white knuckling. I had this itch and I thought about not scratching it. Then another itch begged my immediate attention somewhere else. I concentrated very hard on not scratching either of them. But then an itch appeared on my leg. Then my ear, then my forehead. In a matter of moments, my entire body was itching! It was awful! My original itch was still there. None of them, in fact, had disappeared by ignoring them. They were getting stronger.
The thought came to me that instead of focusing on not scratching, I should do something else entirely. So I got up and moved, but in doing so, made sure to scratch every itch on the way. Ah, sweet relief! But I failed. Thankfully, scratching itches is not sinful.
But, I wonder if I'm focusing too much on not looking at porn, on not masturbating. Perhaps it's time to change my focus. Like that line in the ARP manual: focus on the solution rather than the problem. I think I do that, but I need to do it better. The problem grows if I focus on it, like my itches expanded when I focused on them.
Things have happened today that make my favorite sins appear even more attractive. I am heavily discouraged today. Discouragement is the fine garnishment on temptation that makes it shiny. I am so overwhelmed today. Being overwhelmed is the sugar on top of the temptation that makes it appear so tasty. I am fighting through negative thoughts "I am not a good mom, I am not a good provider, I am not trying hard enough, I am not enough..." I'm trying to change them because I know they are pointless. Whether or not they're accurate doesn't even matter, really. I mean, so what if I'm not a good mom? Does that give me license to sin? Um, no. But that's absurd. I'm not a bad mom, and I know that. I know that my kids are happy, healthy, safe, loved, and learning. Why am I buying into the lie when I know it's not true?
Hey, see what I did there? I just dispelled a lie by giving it a voice. I wrote out the lie, and now I can see that it is a lie. Writing is so cool!
Today, I'm beginning the email to my mom to tell her my biggest secret. As my new friend Dan W. pointed out today, abolishing the secrecy of addiction renders it weak! I can see that. I'm going to tell my mom, and probably the rest of my family. I can certainly use their prayers.
When I send it, my life will be different. I don't know what my family will do or say. I don't know what they'll think. I know they'll still love me and I think they'll encourage me, but I don't know what they will truly think. And that's not my business anyway.
I feel like I'm a newborn in recovery. I've been trying to recover all these years, but I feel like I haven't even learned to sit on my own, yet. I think that telling my family will help me move beyond this infancy stage. Yes, I'll have to mooch off their spiritual health, and lean on them when I'm learning how to walk. But I think they'll be willing to be there for me. That is my hope.
At the very least, knowing my family knows will get me past this horrible white-knuckling stage for now, I should think.
I'm so afraid of changing the family dynamic. I'm so afraid that I'll be seen even more as an attention hog.
Sigh. If I perish, I perish.
Go, Erin! Do you remember the definition of insanity? I thought you would. So try something different! Like I told Sid, secrecy is stupid!! MORE than HALF of our Elders are coming home and falling into porn addiction within weeks of returning home from their missions. We can't go on like that. Somethings got to change! Let's be on the cutting edge of that change. danielwelburn@yahoo.com is my e-mail. I'll answer and try to support anyone who writes me, male or female.
ReplyDeleteWord of caution. It's not a good idea to offer support, or support those of the opposite sex. In fact, we are counseled not to in the Support in Recovery material sanctioned by the church.
DeleteWe are in a position to learn from one another, and support one another through public forums such as posting on one another's blogs and whatnot. But as soon as we take it to private email, Satan will have his dirty claws all over that and it becomes a dark and dank place for secrets to be born.
I tend to agree with this! I learned many tough lessons with a rotten male therapist and of course not all male therapists are like him, and not all males are like him, but one decision I made as a result was to not seek or offer private help from anyone of the opposite sex. PASG meetings are one thing, open blogs are one thing, but private help can be super dangerous, regardless of purest intentions.
Deleteoh thank you, Dan!! Yes, I'm trying something new and different. Throwing a wrench in my normal course of addiction. It does feel a little liberating. :)
ReplyDeleteI have written the email to my entire family. I'm going to sleep on it and revisit the draft in the morning. Then I'll send it.
I think!
White knuckling occurs when we aren't filling our God-hole. Man - I have been meaning to blog about the God-hole and just haven't gotten there yet. I will work on it this week - it's a really important topic.
ReplyDeleteWhite Knuckling is simply abstaining. It's impossible. And even if it were, it's painful and unnecessary. We sit in a prideful state barely holding on and not asking for help.
It's a gut wrenching and never ending cycle.
The cycle ends when you let others in (which you are doing with your family), admit you are struggling, reach out for help, ABSORB YOURSELF IN THE STEPS, and much much more.... so much more....
And great job on identifying the lie!! That is huge! Satan is such a stinker with those. They are much more identifiable when we expose them to the light:-)
Keep it up!
I do look forward to that post of yours! Thanks for your comments. I've been afraid to respond to your email. But I will soon. Tomorrow I think.
DeletePoint taken. Thank you for the correction. Please forgive me. Can you delete my comment, please, so that it won't happen? Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI love your comment! I want to leave it there. :)
DeleteIs it better that we guys not post then?? i agree that there has to be a careful line on who we go to for support. Keep in mind that disclosure needs to be handled very carefully. I discuss with my sponsor before any disclosures. Getting support vs 'mere dumping' are two different things for me. Sure I feel great, bc I just transfered the burden to someone else. I stick to calling my addicts friends in recovery for moment to moment support. I have at least a dozen that i can call at any moment. I agree with Sidreis...get into a group/jump into recovery work. Get their numbers. Call and connect with others. This addiction sucks. I don't pretend to feel like I have it mastered. Life downright sucks battling it. I'm not going to give all this 'advice' but I love group meetings and connecting and learning from other recovering addicts. One day at a time. Relax. Breathe. God will grant us serenity if let go and let God!
ReplyDeleteno, post, men! Post and comment, please! I learn from you. I simply think that graphic details given privately to the opposite sex could potentially maybe perhaps might be harmful. And it's a risk I'm not going to take, as far as sharing DETAILS with the opposite sex. I'd feel uncomfortable with that, actually.
DeleteThanks, Warrior, for your thoughts. I always love what you have to say!
Ya I'm not in any way saying the men shouldn't comment on blog posts. I love it when you do. I hate that there is fear there sometimes that causes a separation. It's almost like men vs women. I don't like that at all.
DeleteBut we gotta be honest. We are all sex addicts... and that is a special breed that requires special boundaries. We must remain safe with the opposite sex.
So it's just best to keep things in the open. :-)
We also should keep in mind that there are some who's addictions have included extra marital affairs whether emotional or physical so even the email, as innocent as it can be, can be a really big trigger.
:-)
Like Erin stated, it is NOT a good idea to have private conversations about this topic. About the therapist... YES this man is not a Therapist anymore BUT until He learns to recognized that HE has a problem He will still a threat to innocent women out there! PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!!
ReplyDeletehttp://davidharlridley.weebly.com