fear...anger...guilt?

I'm afraid.

I'm angry.

But I think most of all I am so guilty. How can I recover when I feel so much guilt? How can I rid myself of guilt when I continue to do the things I hate about myself? The guilt is so heavy. It twists my insides and jumbles my brain. I can't feel okay when I have this guilt, but I NEED to feel okay, but I'm AFRAID to feel okay.

My house is a mess, always, and my kids probably think that's normal.
I don't teach them how to work.
I don't teach them service by example.
I don't exercise even though I pay for a gym membership that I certainly can't afford.
I spend too much time on Facebook, so my kids don't get as much time with me.
My kids don't have a good father figure. I chose so poorly.
I have everything I need, yet I give so little.
I'm fat.
I don't read scriptures every day with my kids.
I don't remember to make my kids brush their teeth every day.
I don't magnify my calling.
I think horrible thoughts. Horrible.
I don't walk my dog.
I haven't spayed my cat.
I haven't paid my power bill.
My kids have to dig for clean clothes in the laundry room because I rarely fold them.
I tell people I'm going to do stuff and then I don't do it.

This list is constantly on my brain. It's actually longer, but you've had enough, I'm sure. I can't tell when I'm being sincere. I don't know why I'm sharing this with you. Do I want pity, empathy, validation? I don't think I do but I don't know. I think I'm just sharing what's on my mind. The guilt creates anxiety and the anxiety forms a ball of detracting energy that spins inside my the front of my head just between my eyes. It sucks my eyebrows to it, and I think today I must look like I'm very troubled because whenever I think about it, my eyebrows are all squenched up together. lol.

The anxiety is because I can't change any of this today. The only I see to stop feeling guilty about it all is to stop DOING them all, and I can't change this all right away! I have no one to blame but myself. I'm the only one who can change or fix this. But . . . can I? No. It's too much. It's too impossible. I could take it one by one but I'd still have all this guilt for the other stuff till I got through the list, and by that time, I'd have a brand new list of guilt. And how on earth could I ever decide which issue is the most important one? How would I decide which to tackle first?!

Since I can't change it all, I want to change nothing. That does not make sense.

This guilt is not healthy. This guilt is not propelling me into resolution and change. It is propelling me into pointless anxiety and fear, and depression. It is not inspiring action, but rather discouraging progress. Sometimes a bit of guilt is healthy, but not this guilt. I need to become free of it. I need to forgive myself and be okay with my best efforts, even though those best efforts won't even come close to getting me where I want to be right away. I have to make myself be okay with not being okay.

It seems like I have too much to conquer. But I know that is not true. I know that I am blessed with choices and abilities, and I am blessed with the Atonement to cover where my abilities do not yet reach. As always, the way is Jesus Christ. So, once again, I turn to Him in hope.