Fear of Happiness

It's ridiculous. It's odd. It's probably quite common in situations like mine. But I have this fear of continued happiness. Maybe "fear" is the wrong word. Maybe it's anxiety. Maybe it's trepidation. Maybe it's doubt. But, really, those are all synonyms of fear, are they not?

Anyway, I have been happy for quite a long time. There's something nagging me in the corners of my mind, telling me I don't deserve this. Then I have this subconscious panic attack, something like, "I don't? I don't deserve this, do I? Oh, crap, now I have to make the happiness go away." There's always something there telling me that happiness can't last, that soon, I will have a crash of sorrow and pain, and I should prepare for that by expecting it, and making room for it now. I haven't experienced any significant trial other than recovery over the past several months, and I feel like it's coming. Something horrible is coming. Someone I love is going to die. I'm going to lose all my money. My house is going to burn down. My car is going to break down for good. And then, I won't be able to be happy anymore. So I may as well be miserable now, since misery is inevitable!

What??!

I wish I could make that nagging bite go away. I don't actually believe I can't be happy. I believe that I can find happiness and peace in any situation. In fact, the next time I encounter a difficult trial, I'm going to try very hard to be patient and happy through it, till its end. I used to think a trial wouldn't pass till I was sufficiently miserable, that I couldn't say I'd learned enough unless I had given in to hopelessness and despair. What kind of faulty thinking is that? Where did I get that? It's so silly. Trials will end even if I'm happy through them. So next time, I'm going to be happy through it. And maybe that's what "enduring to the end" really means.

We're commanded to be of good cheer. Whenever God gives a commandment, He provides a way to accomplish it. So, He will always have a way for me to be of good cheer, even in the midst of horrible trials.

I am working on shutting down that ever-nagging belief that my happiness is going to end soon because I don't deserve it and/or because it's a myth and/or because soon I will have a trial that will destroy my happiness and peace. Go.Away! I am choosing happiness! I am choosing happiness by making up my mind to be happy, and by making the choices that will produce happiness. In fact, I am happy. I am a happy person, and that's the way I like it, and that's the way I'm keeping it, thank you very much.

:D