And so it Begins

My bishop warned me yesterday that Satan would be trying extra hard now that he knows I'm focusing on making it to the temple in two weeks. For some reason, I guess I didn't think it'd start today. And it didn't for a while. I had a great day at work. Nothing was gonna bring me down. I was still on a high from my meeting yesterday with my bishop. I came home, and my dad came over to give me a blessing, at my request. A blessing of special strength these coming weeks. He happened to bless me with the ability to be a good mother. He said a few things about my motherhood.

Both of my kids then asked him for a blessing, as well. It was wonderful.

Then we had a short FHE on gratitude. Then it was bedtime.

What could go wrong? HOW DID IT ALL GO WRONG?!?! The kids went to bed and almost immediately started to fight. It was so irritating. They were getting super mad at each other over stupid things. They were ignoring my instructions. So I yelled at them. I yelled bad. Then they kept ignoring me so I yelled some more. Everyone was screaming at each other and blaming everyone else.

I knew I was going to just keep yelling and being a horrible parent, so I escaped outside and walked around the driveway. I cooled down and finally put enough pride out of my heart to pray. Please forgive me for yelling at my kids. I'm the mom, here. I'm so sorry! All I want to do is yell because they're making me so mad. Please help me not to yell when I go back in my house. I can't go back in there if I'm just going to yell. I can't see clearly what to do. Help me to know what to do.

I walked inside and was surprised by the silence. Nothing. No crying, no screaming, no whining from my kids. But, then, my daughter shrieked "STOP!" at the top of her lungs. Oh. It was still happening.

I took a deep breath and walked down the hall to my daughter's room. I talked to her calmly and held her and sang to her. She finally calmed down and apologized to both me and her brother, unprompted. Well, unprompted by me, anyway. We all calmed down and I hope they're close to sleep now, but I'm still upset. I'm upset about the whole thing. Why is bedtime a fight almost every single night? This is getting so old. Why wasn't I able to control my temper like I usually can? Why was there so much anger in this house when just moments earlier, we were enjoying the Spirit during the Priesthood blessings and Family Home Evening? What happened?

I kinda want to wallow in this discontent. I want to stay mad. I am annoyed with my own cheery attitude from earlier today. I want to focus on everything I'm doing wrong, on everything I'm not, on everything I failed to do today. Mmmmm, so tempting....

But you know what? I know better! I can and will rise above this! Tomorrow is a new day, and I will partake of its precious gifts. I'll prepare for the sweetness that tomorrow has to offer by opening my heart up tonight. No more grumps. No more frowns. No more anger.

Ready, go. Still frowning, dang it. Guess I better sing something. Oh! How about this one:



I love that song! I used to relate it to my recovery. Well, I guess it still applies, but not as much. I am glad I listened to it just now, actually, because I then felt to rejoice that I no longer feel like the description in the first part of the song. Yeah, I guess I'm having a bad night, but holy cow, it's not that bad! In fact, this is nothing! This nothing compared to what it used to be like, sitting in my filth after an episode of indulgence, feeling heavy-laden with dirt even after a shower. I remember the sorrow, the pain, the hopelessness. I remember the fear-- oh, how thick was the fear! I remember the weight of the chains of active addiction. No. I am not there. This is not a bad night. I made some mistakes, but I'm still standing! I am fine!

Okay. That was a good idea. I feel better now.

As you were!