Step 7 Miracle

I completed Step 7 about 2.5 weeks ago. It was wonderful! I was going to go into detail of what I did and how I did it, but then I decided I don't want to make any Program newcomer to feel like she (or he) has to do it any certain way, as recovery is an extremely personal process, and just as the details of our addictions are different for everyone, so must be the details of our recovery.

However, I will say that as I was going through Step 7, I figured it was impossible to hand over all my weaknesses to God. I figured I could never actually do this step. It felt like to me that the step was asking me to become perfect, all in one step. Without weaknesses, I am perfect, right? And it was asking me to ask God to remove my character weaknesses. All of them. And so I knew I had to actually give them up.

In Step 6, I had written down a few of my key weaknesses. In Step 6, I had truly become ready to give them up. But when I got to Step 7, and it came time to follow through, I changed my mind. I'm not ready! I can't do this! And I ran and retreated and hid and slipped. And I felt exposed and weak- so weak.

Finally, I convinced myself to trudge through. I convinced myself to believe that if I did the work, God would help me. And so I read. I wrote. I prayed. I thought. Still, a block was in place. I couldn't see myself ever truly giving up all my character weaknesses, let alone in one fell swoop! It seemed too much. But, I moved forward.

Just when I thought it would never really come to me; that I would never get Step 7, suddenly, I did. Suddenly, I remembered that God can help me. Suddenly I remembered that my Heavenly Father wants to help me. Suddenly I knew that if I took all of my weaknesses, bundled them up, and placed them on an alter, and asked God to take them, then He just might. And if He didn't, then He would help me and go with me as I did what I could to remove them myself.

So I fell to my knees and I told Heavenly Father the list of weaknesses I had written down in Step 6, and I told Him that I had these weaknesses before me, and I wanted to give them up. And I asked Him to please, please take them!

Since that day 2.5 weeks ago, I have not given into the pull of some of those weaknesses. He has truly helped me and strengthened me. Sometimes, when I have been tempted to return to an old behavior, I tell myself, "no, I gave that to God." and it goes away.

It's remarkable!

Some of the weaknesses, though, remain with me daily. I know that with practice, they will also become memories. And that is very exciting!

And, the miracle continues. As I carefully travel each day's paths, I sometimes come to realize other weaknesses. And I practice what I did in Step 7, I get it ready to give to God, and I ask Him to take it from me.

It makes me think that maybe I can do this, after all.

Now I have Step 8 looming in front of me. Sigh. "Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them." Step 8 is going to be difficult for me because as far as I know, besides my kids, I haven't harmed anyone directly as a result of my addiction. I know that sounds prideful, and it probably is. This addiction is very quiet. It's not like alcohol or drugs in that I can hide it. After using, I don't lose a great deal of judgement and go on angry rampages. I can drive safely after using. I'm not married so I'm not hurting a spouse. I'm not trying to make excuses, here. I know that Heavenly Father will help me with this step, as He has with each previous step, and that I will figure out an honest and thorough way to complete this step.

In other news, I'm determined to return to the temple. I don't know how long it will be, but it doesn't matter- I'll do whatever it takes. I'm going back. I miss it terribly.

Also, I have started counseling again! My therapist is incredible, and the best match I've had yet. I'm learning a lot. I figured with my last slips that I wasn't as healed as I thought I was. I thought I needed some guidance into my own self, and I think that's exactly what I'm getting. I'm so grateful for a means to pay for the sessions.

I'm excited to continue forward. I'm grateful for the return of that enthusiasm. I know that I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.