Change of Heart

I wonder why it's taking me so long to change. Yes, I am progressing, but the progress is so slow. Why? What can I do to expedite it? What can I do to reach freedom faster?

Today has been humbling. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep and had to go to my brother's ward early this morning for my nephew's baby blessing (it's like unto a Christening in case I have non-LDS readers). Usually I teach the 4 year olds in my ward but I got a sub for today and I got to enjoy Sunday School and Relief Society today in my brother's ward. Interestingly, both lessons were about the Love of God.

Sometimes, I swear it seems like God orchestrates things just to speak to me. Today, I heard what I needed to hear.

In Sunday School, we were studying some chapters is 1 John. 1 John 1:1-2 reads
1 My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:

2 And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.

I began thinking of the word "advocate." What is an advocate? I thought of lawyers. I know that comparing Jesus to lawyers may seem strange, but a good lawyer is a good advocate. A good lawyer fights your battles for you. S/he takes your place in the court room, speaks on your behalf, defends you if necessary, to the end. Personally, I don't know much about the legal world. If I was in a position where I needed to defend myself in a legal situation, I would need to hire a lawyer, because of my inexperience. I don't know nearly enough about the legal world. And I never will. I would need an advocate. I would need someone to quite literally speak for me, to take my place, to fight my battle.

That is what Jesus does for me. I read verse one up there as something like Jesus telling me "Erin, please don't sin. It hurts you and it hurts me. But, here's the thing. If you do sin, you have me. I am your advocate with the Father. I will fight your battle. I will stand in your place. I know everything about this Spiritual world, and you know so little. Let me fight this. I'm your advocate."

I did something wrong. But I want to go Home. Not only will Jesus fight this battle for me, He has also already volunteered to take my sentencing upon Him, and He's already paid it in full. I can be free. Why am I choosing bondage, when freedom is right before me?!

I love my Savior. I love my God, my Father in Heaven. I am so sorry I let Them down again. Even so, I know They love me still. I know Their arms are open still, ready to receive my broken, crippled, sin-covered self into them. I know that God is just waiting to cover me in His mercy and His sweet grace. How good is our God!

Here we go again. I slipped last night but I'm up. I'm repenting. I'm turning to God and facing Zion, refusing to look back again onto Sodom.

God, forgive me. Forgive me for adding to the bitter burden of my Jesus.

I don't know how long it will take me to allow my heart to change. But I do know it's changing.