Pharaoh

You know how General Conference was like 3 weeks ago? (If you are unfamiliar with what I'm talking about, learn more about the LDS General Conference here). Well as I was listening to the talks, I was inspired on a few occasions to study the story of Moses. Finally, I have begun that.

Pharaoh is my addiction. I think I've decided that it's okay, at least for now, to view my addictions as something apart from myself. I know that ultimately, I have the choice to give in or not. But, addiction is a little different than your regular run-of-the-mill choice. And so, at least for the time being, I'm going to separate it from me. Not in a way that abolishes my responsibility of it, but more in a way that allows me to attack it without attacking myself.

Sadly, if Pharaoh is my addictions, then I'm Moses. I am not so great. But for the sake of the analogy, let's just go with it. I'm not a prophet, but I am someone who is trying to do what God has commanded. Over and over and over again. I have approached my addiction time and again and have failed to convince it to let it release me.

Moses went to Pharaoh time and again and he failed to convince it to let him release his people. Well, I know eventually they are freed, but I'm not that far in my studying yet. :)

Every time Pharaoh refused to listen to Moses, Moses would perform some miracle, which God had told him to perform, and Pharaoh still wouldn't listen. So Moses would go back to God, do you see? He would go immediately back to God, kinda like Okay that didn't work, now what?

Do you see? Every time a method failed, he'd rush back to God for the next method. And God gave it to him, step by step, hour by hour, incident by incident. Every time Moses returned to God, God helped him.

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Today has been a beautiful day. Sunshiny, even. I returned to God, and He filled me with His love and astonished me with His mercy yet again. I am not doomed. I am not damned. I am an eternal soul who has immeasurable worth.

The weekend was awful. I was stripped of hope. I believed that I had failed, that I could not overcome after all, that I may as well stop trying because I KEEP ON FAILING. But those are all lies, and I always know they're lies but sometimes I let myself believe them because they make more sense than the alternative, at the time. I was so caught up in the moment, caught up in my failure, that I supposed that I was my failure.

Yesterday, I almost didn't go to church. But I made myself go, despite the suffocating shame that swallowed me. I told myself I would just stay for the first hour; I could go home after. But one of the talks affected me, really spoke to me. The brother speaking quoted President Uchtdorf from his Conference talk You Matter to Him, I think the quote was this: "God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him." and it got me thinking. I am not this moment of failure. I cannot define my entire worth, destiny, etc., based on this one failing moment in eternity. God loves the WHOLE me. He loves the past me, the me I don't remember, before I came to earth. He loves the future me. He loves the Eternal me, and it's just silly to live and dwell in that moment of failure when there is SO MUCH MORE of who I am.

So I came out of it, rather quickly after that. And I attended the rest of church. :)

I'm still upset. I'm still disappointed in my choices. But the shame has been diminished, and now I can think straight without wishing I were dead, and now I can do good works while I try to figure out what's the next step in my recovery. I just can't justify hating myself for one moment in eternity. It's kindof ridiculous. It's like cutting down the banana tree because one banana had one tiny bad spot.

I'm grateful today for loving reminders from God, for His tender mercies. I'm grateful for new coaches in my corner- here's a shout out to a new old friend, and here's to our treadmills that make us stronger!

I'm off to FHE. As always, thank you for reading.