Stream of Conciousness

Remember those school activities where you were supposed to write something, anything, in a "stream of consciousness?" I had a few of those assignments. I enjoyed them. I kinda feel like I need to do that now. I just need to write. I don't know what I need to write, but I have to write. So here I am. Writing in a stream, a stream of consciousness, the likes of Eric Whitacre and Philip Glass helping me along with their brilliant music.

How do you start these things? You just start, I guess. you know, I rarely filter anyway. Gets me in trouble sometimes. I should filter more. I'm going to close my eyes. I'm closing my eyes and typing and I'm not goin g to fix any errors.

I'ts so cold. The cold stresses me out. Bad things happen in the cold. It's dark, it gets dark earlier when it's cold and bad things happen in the dark. I hate this season, Fall, all it is is a mask that hides winter for a little while, but fall is winter. It's winter pretending. It doesn't fool me. I know what the changing colors really mean. Death and desolation are on the horizon. "It's so pretty!" you may be tempted to believe, but don't depend on the beauty because it will betray you. Just kidding, I'm not a beautiful tree, I'm sharp and baren and ugly. I won't shade you anymore.

You can't count on the beauty. Fall is a mask, a disguise, and it sickens me.

But why? What about Fall, about winter, elicits such negative emotions from me? Why am I afraid of the cold?

What the hell does it matter?

I've been so confused this week. I don't know what's right or wrong and I don't feel like God is helping me figure it out. I dno't blame Him: He's either waiting till a better time to show me what I seek, or I'm not seeing what He's showing me already. A while ago I decided that I depend too much on external sources to show me the way. In the end, I've discovered, I know what's the best choice. It's inside me. When I finally reach a conclusion or a decision or a realization, I sometimes understand that it was in me all along, the answer was there all along, and I wasted a bunch of time and energy looking to outside sources for the answer. So maybe that's where it is again. maybe that's why God is holing back: He knows I know the answer already. Maybe. It's here inside and it's not even so much that I need to find it as I need to acknowledge it.

Confusion. Nathaniel Hawthorne described this emotion beautifully, and acurately. I quote him: ". . .yet hope and dread kept a continual warfare in his breast, alternately vanquishing one another and starting up afresh to renew the contest. Blessed are all simple emotions, be they dark or bright! It is the lurid intermixture of the two that produces the illuminating blaze of the infernal regions."

Funny. I just realized how CONFUSING that quote is. How can Hell be illuminating? Maybe he was just referring to the fire that is associated with Hell. By the way, that quote is in Hawthorne's short story Rappaccini's Daughter.

On the other hand, what great decisions have ever been made without first fighting with confusion? What victory has been won without fighting? Indeed, there can be no victory without a fight! The bloodier the battle, the sweeter the victory. I cannot win without opposition. There is no victory when there is no battle. Success is impossible without the threat of failure. For if nothing stands to be lost, then nothing worthwhile can be gained. You know? Opposition in all things. Confusion, therefore, is a gift. I know something can be lost and something can be gained when I am confused. What I need to find out is which decision benefits me and my family the most?

Hell is, indeed, illuminating. Without it, how could I see Heaven? Without Hell, Heaven would have no value. When I think of Hell's horror, I see the value of Heaven. Without lies, how could I know truth? Without sorrow, I would never know joy. Without confusion, I could never be enlightened. Without imprisonment, I could never taste freedom.

So, yes, the blaze of Hell, as Hawthorne described, is illuminating. And the simple emotions both dark and bright are easy, and produce few results. The "lurid intermixture" of the two is what makes us who we are. It's what bring victory or death. It's what leads to heaven or hell.

The answer is in me.

I remember when I was dating my college boyfriend. He was my first love. He was poison. I remember as he held me, I felt like everything was perfect. I couldn't see anything else. I felt like that's where I was meant to be, in his arms, forever. I felt like we were meant for each other, made for each other, created with the other in mind. But, when I was miles away from him, I could see that he was poison to my soul, and that I needed to get him out of my life forever. I remember learning that when physical responses are so strong, you can't always hear logic and reason. I loved how it FELT to be touching him. But that wasn't the truth. The truth was, he was poison. It's hard to see truth when you're too close to the lie.

I was too close to the lie. I should have known by the way I had to talk myself into believing it was even a possibility. I should have known by how it first shocked me. I should have fled as was my first reaction. I know better. I've always known better. But the logic seemed sound. I, of all people, should know that logic doesn't hold a candle to truth. I'm not too close now. I'm going to go find some answers.

~~~
Having denied myself my feelings all these years and now in the past few months trying to allow myself to feel, I have a hard time identifying those feelings now as they come. It's so difficult just understanding myself! But I'm getting it, more and more, little by little. And now, I feel relief. I feel clarity. Can one feel clarity? I feel lighter. And I think that's an answer. Anyway, it'll have to do as one for now, because I think God wants me to figure this one out without His direct response. And if He trusts me with that, then I can do it. And no one can tell me how I should feel.

I think this blog post tonight was such a good idea. Still don't know what cold has to do with it all, but guess what? Without the winters, Summers would be bland. Without cold and dark, warmth and light would be meaningless.

Good night.