Repentence

Often, after I rebel, after I give into my addictions, I have a battle with myself about whether or not I am sufficiently sorry. I try to change my feelings, or force myself into sincere sorrow for my sin. Often I feel like I am just not sorry enough. But how do I get there? How do I show my sorrow to my God and myself? How do I prove that I am sufficiently in the depths of repentance?

Sometimes if I don't feel like I feel bad enough, I tell myself mean things like I'm a failure and I'm never going to make it and why even try because I suck.

God's approach has always been much more merciful. He is always so encouraging and loving with me. He never rejects me, never turns me away.

Well I think I figured out the answer to my "am I sorry enough?" debate.

The other week, my son had a tantrum, which is normal for him. He often does. I often worry that he lacks empathy, and true sorrow when he makes mistakes. Anyway, in this particular tantrum, he was very mean to his sister, and hurt her pretty badly. Kicked her real hard I think. I prayed for guidance on how to handle this situation. I took him into my bedroom and we both sat on my bed. I explained to him that his sister is my daughter and I love her very much and it makes me so sad when someone hurts or does something mean to any of my kids. I had him imagine his two favorite toys and to tell me what they are. He told me and I told him to pretend they're alive. Easy for him to do. I told him to pretend that the toys are friends and normally they get along, but one day one toy ripped the other toy to shreds. I asked him to tell me how that would make him feel. He said it would make him feel sad. I asked him to think of how it would make him feel about each toy, and wouldn't he be so sad that his own favorite toy was the one who hurt his other favorite? Anyway, it didn't seem to sink in with him. I asked him to apologize to his sister, which he did, which he always does, but it never seems like he means it. I'm very concerned about this. However, something happened that day that gave me a great deal of hope.

After my son and I talked, and after he delivered a seemingly insincere apology to his sister, my sweet boy began walking all over the house and doing things to help me out. He cleaned his bedroom. He emptied the dishwasher. He cleaned the living room! He even cleaned his sister's bedroom. All without being asked. All without even so much as a suggestion. All on his own. He's very young. 1st grade. I had never seen him work so hard in his life, all in the same day. The remainder of the day he was very compliant, very willing to help and serve. And it hit me then- this is what repentance looks like. His was the behavior of a repentant soul. He wasn't beating himself up. He wasn't pouting in his bedroom. He wasn't forcing himself to cry. He 1. stopped the errant behavior and 2. started exceptional behavior.

Because he was working so hard, I knew he was sorry for what he'd done, and I knew that he was trying to be better. I'm grateful for his example, because I think that's what God my Father wants from me. He doesn't want me to hide in my bedroom and scream and cry. He doesn't want me to beat myself up. He wants me to get up and do good. Stop the bad, start the good. And by doing good, I can show Him that I'm serious about getting out this addiction.

Bring on the rain.

How grateful and comforted I am for God's sweet mercy.