The Lies

Here's what's happening right now. Here's a glimpse into my head, my thoughts. Here you go:

I just want to say goodbye. Just one more time, just one last gander at the evil of pornography, just one more moment with myself, just today only, and that's it. I just want a farewell. I can't keep doing this anymore because it doesn't fit with my life anymore. I can't keep pretending when I know so much. I am facing an eternal goodbye of something that has been a part me for so long. And I think I'm ready, but I just want one last goodbye. Today. Now.

Just one more. Just one! And it will be really good. And it will fill a need that I have right now--

Oh wait. No. No it won't. Never has. Never will.

Just tonight only.

Wait, Erin, that's a lie too. Even if it was true that by giving in tonight you'll have strength to withstand always in the future, that wouldn't give you license to sin now.

I have so much to worry about. I have homework and housework and my kids and I'm not being a good enough mom and I just need a break from it all, I just need something else to focus on, some ONE thing to focus on and keep my thoughts all together. It's too hard. I can't do it. I need a release. I need a refuge. There is no other refuge.

Which led me now to search to find out if Jesus ever said He's the Refuge. I don't know but I found this old Lutheran Hymn "Jesus Refuge of the Weary" and here's the 2nd verse:

Do we pass that cross unheeding,
Breathing no repentant vow,
Though we see Thee wounded, bleeding,
See Thy thorn encircled brow?
Yet Thy sinless death hath brought us
Life eternal, peace, and rest;
Only what Thy grace hath taught us
Calms the sinner’s stormy breast.

And I imagined myself walking past the Cross while Jesus hung and I, paying no mind to the One who saved me, continued on my way to sin.

I would never do that. Well. Not literally anyway. I guess that's the exact idea I'm entertaining now.

And then I continued a search on lds.org. Found Revelation 3.

v 11: "...hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown."

What do I have? A few days under my belt. Who is the man that can take my crown? I am. What do I have? A beautiful family. A home, a job, my sweet sweet kids. Sometimes, the Holy Ghost. My children. HOLD FAST, Erin, and keep your crown. Okay. Yes.

And v 21: "To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne."

And 20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."

Which verse turned my lips to God and asked Him Then come here with me! Come in! I need Thee, oh forgive these thoughts. Give me strength, my Father.

And now I am stronger. And I am loved by God. I need nothing more.

Please note that this post is as honest as they come. This was literally following my thoughts, AS I was writing, I was finding the hymn, the scriptures, and praying. Just as written. Funny that this post about lies is possibly the most forthcoming post ever. I let you in, Reader. I hope you see that God can free you.