Fear vs Hope

One of my favorite quotes is by a murderous leader, Napoleon Bonaparte. He said, "He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat." I wonder if I've mentioned this quote before because it's been one of my favorites for over a decade. Anyway. Even though it's a favorite, even though it speaks to me, I haven't fully grasped its meaning. If I had, what happened on Thursday would never have happened.

I have a constant fear that I'll fail. Tomorrow is my 30 days clean day! And I have never made it much farther than 30 days before. So I fear, especially now, that I will fail. Because here is where I always fail, if indeed I've made it this far.

I've been fearful all week.

Before I get to the punchline of this fear bit, let me share what happened Thursday. As I like to do , I will share the episode by using an analogy. For the sake of this story, let's say I'm an alcoholic. I think it's just easier to talk about beer than sex. Maybe I'm a coward for it. But here we go. So if I'm an alcoholic, then Thursday was a bad day. I was thinking about beer all the day long. I hadn't slept much all week and I was very tired, and being tired often leads to thoughts about beer. It was bedtime. The kids were sleeping. I had a cold beer in the fridge (this actually doesn't relate to me at all because my addiction doesn't require me to have or hold anything, or to have had something stored) so I took it out and held it. I just held it. Felt its coolness. Thought about how it would feel if it was draining down my throat. Thought about how refreshing it would be if I could just have one beer. But I just held it.

I put it down a few times but it was always in my sight. I picked it up again and opened the tab. I could smell it. I wanted it very much. I could see the steam stuff as the cool liquid met the warm air. I imagined just what it would taste like, feel like. And I wanted it very much. But I also very much wanted it to go away. I wanted desperately to drop it and forget about it. I kept telling myself I would never drink it but I just wanted to bring it to my face so I could smell it better. That was all. I just wanted to feel the cool can on my face. But I would never drink it, I promise-lied to myself. Then I took a sip. Then begged a friend for help.

My friend saved me that night, saved me from drinking the can of beer, saved me from opening another can, saved me from drunkenness. There are some significant elements here that I want to address. 1st, I ASKED SOMEONE FOR HELP! Now, I had been praying through the evening, even as I was proverbially holding that proverbial beer can, and I think that if I hadn't been praying I likely wouldn't have lasted as long as I did, and I likely wouldn't have had the courage to reach out to my friend. I was scared to, I was nervous, even though he's been a trusted friend for years, even though he's said if I ever needed help to just ask, even though I didn't feel like he would hate me for it, I was still scared. It's embarrassing. But I did it! I put insecurities away and reached out in my vulnerability, and he was there for me. By the way, this friend recently discovered all this dark stuff about me in kinda an unusual way, and I'm very grateful because he has been extremely helpful in my recovery. Which is the 2nd thing I want to point out. Having a friend know the details of my addiction has been invaluable. I feel a bit more accountable, I have a lot more support, and, I now have someone I can turn to for help. I'm so grateful for his continued friendship even after knowing all this stuff about me, and for his care and incredible support. Thank you, Friend.

The thing is, I'm not sure if I can count it as a success. It was also a failure. I got much closer to my addiction than I have in a long time. I sipped that beer!! I tasted it before I put it away! I don't know if today is day 29 or day 3. I could argue for both. But I'm on the fence.

I'm very glad, though, to know that I do have someone to turn to in dire straights like Thursday night.

On Friday, I went to my Addiction Recovery Program meeting. There was another woman there! And she was the one who helped me to change my perspective, with her comments. She said that she had some changes coming in her life that would make her several-months-clean streak a little more difficult to maintain, and that she hoped she would make it through.

I felt then as though I had been shaken. Yes! That's it! She hopes she'll make it through! Next time I'm approaching 30 days, I'll simply change my thinking. I will not be afraid that I'll fail. I will be hopeful that I will make it through. Hope never hurt anything. If I hope and then I fail, I will not be any worse for hoping. If I fear, the likelihood that I will fail is much more. I can't wait to put this to test and change my fear to hope.

I am still being blessed with miracles. I wonder when they'll stop. I don't think they'll stop. I think there's always a miracle to be found.