Women

Women can be addicted to sex. It's not "common," but it's not crazy. Women aren't superhuman. Women aren't immune to sexual addictions. Women who are addicts are not any less female than any other woman.

This is what I'm learning this week. One of the things I'm learning, I should say.

It's unnerving and uncomfortable to be a woman with a sexual addiction. It's taboo. It's unusual. We hear about men and porn all the time. In our church, our leaders speak directly and specifically to the men about the dangers of pornography. These talks are never directed toward women, to my knowledge. When we think of sex addicts, we just think of men. And there's a pretty lousy stigma- especially in the Christian realm- attached to men with sexual sins and addictions. And if there's that lousy stigma attached to those men, then, shoot, women with similar addictions just must be horrible, disgusting people.

Oh, how wrong I've been!

And with all my strong beliefs of gender rolls, of keeping men and women equal but not the same, I think I took it a little too far. Women and men ARE different, but women and men are people. All people are susceptible to temptation. And so what if what I'm tempted with is different than what most women are tempted with? And so what if what I'm tempted by is similar to what many men are tempted by? It doesn't mean I'm more like a man. It doesn't mean I'm less of a woman. It doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. It doesn't mean I'm worse than the men who have a similar problem. I'm just a vulnerable human with an addiction.

I know I'm not the only woman with sexual addictions. I know I'm not the only Christian woman with sexual addictions. And I know I'm not the only LDS woman with sexual addictions. What I would like to know, is where are the rest of you? Who are you? Are you attending meetings? How are you dealing? What initially enticed you to this dark, evil world of porn, or other immorality? Are you hopeless? Are you depressed? Do you wish to be free, like I do? Have you become free already? What did you do to attain that freedom? What are you still doing?

I am a woman. I am a mother.

This is important!! Women have a tendency to beat themselves up, to linger in guilt. Being addicted to sex carries enough guilt on its own- adding to it the false guilt of being a woman sex addict is a bad idea. We women CAN BE ADDICTED TO SEX! I would even go as far to say that it's normal. Maybe 'normal' isn't the right word. I simply mean that it doesn't make any given woman a freak of nature. It's human. It's not okay. It's not usual, per se, but it's human. I mean, it doesn't make me, or any other female sex addict, crazy. It's something that can happen, because no one is immune.

I hope I don't sound like I am justifying my bad choices. I'm not. I've simply come to realize that being a sex addict and being a woman sex addict are the exact same thing, as far as I'm concerned. My gender doesn't make me a worse person because of my addictions. I feel like I'm beating this over the head (excuse the cliche), but I can't emphasize it enough- I'm a woman, with or without this addiction. I'm not a less-valuable woman than the women are aren't addicted.

I wish there was a local sex addicts recovery group just for women. Women are amazing. We need eachother! I go to a recovery meeting every week and I'm usually the only woman there. I don't feel safe sharing my addictions with a bunch of men, many of whom suffer from the same addictions. They are wonderful men, but I have seen the videos and pictures they have seen. I have no idea what goes through a man's mind when he's looking at pornography, but I'm fairly certain it's different than what goes through a woman's mind. And what I don't know frightens me. The last thing I want-- and maybe this is egotistical but I don't think so-- is to start talking about my addictions and have some guy be impressed with that, or to look at me differently because of my addictions.... I guess I'm scared to be perceived like a porn star is usually perceived. If I'm a woman and I like sex, what is that to a man with a sex addiction? I don't know- I simply don't know, and that's why I don't feel all that safe talking to men who are addicted to porn about my similar addictions. Does that make sense?

On the rare occasion another woman shows up to the ARP meetings I attend, she's never addicted to sex.

I don't want women to share this horrible, imprisoning addiction with me. I simply want a safe place for women, who are already like me, to reach out and support and be supported. Women are great at supporting, you know? Also, we need support. I wish there was more awareness, first of all about how truly evil pornography is, and secondly, about the fact that women can be addicts, too.

Since I used to be afraid to seek help because my addiction was so embarrassing, I know that embarrassment is hindering other women from getting the help they need. And that's sad.

I'm so worried about all the silent sufferers out there, all the women who are addicted and don't know where to turn, but who want help. How can I reach them? How can I help them realize that they are just as priceless as the addiction-less woman? How can I help them see they can be free?