And let me tell you why.
As my therapist put it (yes, I have a therapist now!), when God lines things up in your life to work out, and inspire and promote positive changes, then Satan is there trying to mess you up.
Holy cow! Today and yesterday, I have felt the Adversary in my presence. It's awful. I'm trying so hard to stay above it, to rise to the gifts God has given me. I have to make clear and concise decisions several times a day in order to stay away from sin. I'm so grateful that I am remembering to make these decisions! No, I will NOT listen to you Satan. I AM important and I DO matter, and I know your lies.
I was praying today, pretty much the whole day. I kept needing more strength. Temptations kept flying at me in unusual ways. Abrupt and uninvited, an image would enter my consciousness. I would want to think about it, think about sex, think about all the things I could do with that abruptly appearing image. But I would shut it out. Sometimes I lingered for a moment before I regained courage and power. I can't describe how difficult this day has been! I can't describe the new and unpleasant sensations that filled every crevice of my body and mind! I've never been so tempted in public places before- at school, at work- I just kept wanting to rush off somewhere and make the temptations disappear the best way I know how- by giving in. I KNEW that would take care of it! If I could just slip away silently into the bathroom for a few minutes, then the horrible thoughts and feelings would flee. I'm not talking about porn here. I just needed a few minutes and then the crappy feelings would go away for the rest of the day. Of course, they'd be replaced by new and crappier feelings, but it's very difficult for me to think that far ahead. Instead, I remembered who Satan is, and figured that he must be behind all this nonsense, trying to make me doubt myself, hate myself, betray myself. And I remembered I have the power to get him out of my way. I actually addressed him and told him he can't make me believe that God doesn't love me, not today. I prayed like crazy, and I was always given strength when I asked for it.
I feel like I've been in an intense and bloody battle all day, and I'm exhausted by it all. But I come from today's battle the victor. I thank my God!
It really is a literal battle. My Stake President told me once, after months of constant triggering and being exhausted from it. After I asked him why, he paused and said "The Lord has heard the promises you made to Him. He wants to know if you meant what you said. He is letting the winds blow on your branches to strengthen your roots." And at that very moment I felt so invigorated. "Heck YA I meant what I said!!" and it all became ok.
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