Drowned

I feel like I escaped from a sunken ship, a ship that was all the way to the bottom of the ocean before I broke free. And I swam and I swam and I swam and I swam, believing the surface was closer than it was. Hoping the surface was closer than it was. But I couldn't see it. And well the pressure, the pressure of being without oxygen for so long, the physical pressure and the perceived pressure, it all got to me. I was so tired of swimming. I felt like I couldn't swim up anymore. Because I'd gone so far already. I felt I couldn't fight anymore. And I couldn't see the surface. It must be too far away. And I just stopped swimming. Drowned.

So,I have been working for so long. I have been proactive about going to the 12 step Addiction Recovery Program meetings. No one told me to go. I just did. I got a therapist. No one told me to do it, I just did. I want to get better. I'm praying daily, reading my scriptures daily. I can't help but wonder that if I can't even get free of this addiction with a professional, AND a 12 step program, then what kind of hope is there for me?

On the other hand, I'm relatively certain that kind of thought is satan-originated. I'm relatively certain that mine is not a hopeless situation.

Seems like 30 days is my limit.

But on the other hand, I've made it 30 days in the past year MANY more times than I ever have before (since my marriage failed). So that's good right? I mean, that's progress, even if it's just a tiny bit of progress, it's progress, right?

I'm sick.

I feel like I lost. I put up my best fight and I lost anyway.