"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
I don't know who said that. It was either Confucius, Nelson Mandela, or Ralph Waldo Emerson. Quite a pot of possibilities.
It hardly matters who said it. What matters is the truth behind it. Today I don't know if I believe it. What if I fall 5000 times? Does it really count as glory to rise that 5001th time? Or is it just cowardice to fall at that point, and rising is just a futile attempt of redemption?
I'm sick to death of falling. I want to die. Yeah I said it. I want to die. (I did not say I want to take my life.) I know these choices are mine, all mine, and I'm the one choosing all the wrong choices. And I'm sick to death of that. I'm sick to death of me. How is it that I keep making this miserable mistake over and over and over again? I HATE IT. I hate how it destroys me for days. It makes no sense whatsoever that I continue in feeding this sin because I hate it. No one made me do it. I chose it. Why do I choose something I ultimately hate? That makes no sense at all.
I have to stop this evil recorder. Satan put it into my head to give into my carnal desires, and now he's putting it into my head that because I did that, I'm a loser, I am worthless, I am NEVER going to win this fight! It's so easy to believe those lies, but, friend, in the end, I know they're lies. I know that to God my worth is incalculable. I know in my heart that I WILL win this. I have to stop those lies from growing in my heart and mind because that's part of the cycle. I'm a loser, I'm worthless, evil, stupid, a waste-- those thoughts are BREEDING GROUNDS for sin. So I must stop them. Today, that's what I'm going to work on. Stopping those thoughts. At least for today.
God forgive me.
Wishing to die is not an uncommon sentiment when depressed and faced with something that is apparently insurmountable. I am glad that you clarified your statement by saying that you didn't wish to take your life, which is a big indicator as to what kind of a person you are. You are a fighter. I know that you think that you are worthless, but if you could only see things from another point of view! Erin, I know you see yourself as worthless, weak, and stupid, but you are anything but. A worthless person wouldn't be having the struggles that you are facing, they would simply give in to their flesh and go at their addiction with reckless abandon. A weak person would justify these little slip ups and covered up their sins instead of confessing them and working through the blood, tears, and sweat that you have put into your repentance. A stupid person would give ear to the sultry voice of the deceiver and would abandon all hope of ever being free. You are a strong woman to have suffered so much and still remain faithful, you are a smart woman to have recognized that the disparaging voice in your is Satan's, and I testify to you that you are of worth, if you doubt me go and study the four gospels again, and pay particular attention to the end.
ReplyDeleteLet me assure you that you are loved, you are of worth, and you are making progress. Stop sweating the idea of never being free, stop thinking that every fall is the end of the world. By doing that you are listening to that evil voice in your head. The Lord knows that you are sorry, but he also knows that you're addicted and that you are trying to find a way out. You aren't damned! I promise you that eventually the rain will stop and this filthy mud that you keep falling into will eventually give way before your efforts and you will be clean again, even if it takes getting back up 500 times, because I can tell you that the 501st time of getting up, that time when something inside you finally makes the connection, then that freedom is so sweet that you will finally weep those cleansing tears of joy. I know that you can make it, you've tasted those tears before, and you will again. Remember: He loves you.
ReplyDeleteSo this made me think of one of my favorite songs, "I get knocked down" by Chumbawamba. I get knocked down, but I get up again! You're never gonna keep me down! I get knocked down, but I get up again! ....etc. I get misty eyed thinking of how you keep getting up. I want to help hold you up!
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