hopeful

Once, I learned a lesson. I learned that I can choose to rise above the melancholy. I've since forgotten that lesson, until just this moment.

Driving home from work today, I realized two things. 1- I'm depressed, and I'm going to stay depressed until I step out of these chains that I continue to fasten around myself. But I will continue to add chains as long as I'm depressed. I can't seem to stop one without first stopping the other. I'm going to be depressed as long as I'm sinning, but I'm going to keep sinning as long as I'm depressed. Something's gotta give.

2- and maybe this is the answer, maybe this is what will "give:" I need to accept myself. I continually reject myself, pass myself off, ignore my own feelings, roll my eyes at my thoughts, rage at my transgressions. But, if I had a friend who had the same exact problems as I do, even if s/he chose those problems over and over and over again, I would love her. I would accept her. I would never, ever reject her. I would see that she was trying. So, I need to come out of this stupid cloud that sucks up all my energy and denies me joy. I'm beautiful the way I am. I'm good, the way I am. I'm normal (-ish), smart, valuable- just the way I am. And I need to accept myself the way I am. No more of this treating myself like I don't matter because of how I choose. I wouldn't matter any more or less if my choices were different one way or the other. In fact, and I realized this today driving on Eagle Rd, I don't believe there's anyone more important to God than I am. The converse is certainly also true; no one is less important to God than I am. But that just means that the playing field is level, and that I have a shot at Celestial Glory.

I've had this come into my life several times as of late, this recognition that I MATTER! I matter to God, and I need to start mattering to my own self. I would never reject a suffering soul exactly like mine if it wasn't in myself.

I'm important, and I am needed. And now, I'll go spend some time with the little angels who need me most: my children.

PS, when I'm "60 days clean" I'm going to buy myself a lovely CTR ring. :) As of right now, that date is Oct 12.