Breaking Promises

Last year, I made a promise to God that I would stop being late for church. I sometimes was late on purpose so I could skip the Sacrament without anyone seeing me pass it up. But that was terribly unfair to my children, and to myself. Since then, I've been so good at being to church on time, even when I was unworthy to take the Sacrament.

Last Sunday, however, I made some dumb choices.

First, I made a mess with some thoughtless words that I posted on Facebook, which words hurt the feelings of some of my most valued friends. I didn't consider the outcome of my post before posting, and I was wrong to post what I did. I felt bad, and I did what I could to clean up that mess. Then, I looked at the clock. It was an hour before church and I still hadn't showered. I knew I could get away with going w/o a shower, but I decided I wanted to be clean. And I readied a bath. I love baths, but, seriously, an hour before church and I think a bath is a good idea?? Well I enjoyed my hot bath and I took my time. By the time I was dressed and had my hair done, it was 15 minutes before church. Luckily, I'm about a five minute drive from my ward building (and I don't even live in Utah!). I still had time to make it on time. Well, I checked Facebook again, and wasted more time. I simply wasn't making church a priority.

Finally I left the house about 10 minutes after church started. I thought if I hurried, I might be on time to take the Sacrament. I zoomed to church, praying, asking God to forgive my neglect, asking Him to help me arrive on time for the sacred bread and water.

I arrived and the doors to the chapel were closed. I sat on a chair in the foyer, hoping I'd made it in time for the bread, and if not, at least the water. But then, the doors were all opened, and the bishopric member was dismissing the Aaronic Priesthood.

Wait, what just happened? I was worthy to partake of the Sacrament, and I didn't?

I couldn't have stopped the tears if I tried. Well, I did try. I don't like to cry in front of people.

Wet-faced, I found an empty chair in an empty row in the overflow (I usually sit in the very front pew!) and wiped my tears away as the meeting proceeded. The Sacrament is precious to me, notwithstanding my blatant neglect Sunday morning. Every Sunday, I thank God that I have privilege to participate in that sweet, covenant-renewing ordinance. I look forward to the cleansing power of the Sacrament each week! How could I reject it when I was worthy?

Not only did I miss the Sacrament, I also broke a promise to God. I was not on time. I had no excuse, no reason.

I prayed for extra strength because I knew I'd need it this week without the promise of the Sacrament, the promise of the Spirit with me always. I needed that, and I rejected that. I knew that there would be consequences for my neglect, but that I could and would lessen the sting of those consequences with repentance and resolution to do better going forward.

I felt so sad. I was sorry to have missed the most important part of church, and I was sorry to have missed the wonderful blessings of the Sacrament. Still, as I write this, I weep. I should have been there. I should have given more effort.

And I thought, you know, this may have been the way those 5 unprepared virgins felt when they were rejected by the Bridegroom. How desperately they wanted to be in attendance! But they were late, and they were denied the Savior's gift. How desperately I wanted to take the bread and water! But I was late, and I was denied the Savior's gift. And I sat there in the dust, regretting, deeply, my choices, as I imagine those virgins must have done. No, no, Lord, please let me in. For them, it was eternally too late. For me, it was too late for one day. I thank God for the opportunity to repent and try again.

I put silly little things at home above my Savior that day. That's what I did, and I feel genuine sorrow for it.

But, do you know what? It'd been so long since I'd been late to church, and that is progress! And that is good progress, that I do not discount. I know that this poor choice did not affect my worth. I know that going to church at all was a good choice. I know that I can learn from this and go forward.

Tomorrow, I will take the Sacrament in gratitude and as much humility as I can muster. I will not let any human thing get in the way of me being on time tomorrow. I'm grateful for Heavenly Father's help with me this week even without doing everything I could to make it to church on time. I know this week could have been better, and I know next week will be better. I need the Sacrament each week, I need it, and I can't refuse it again.