To the Wives of Porn Addicts

A while ago, I wrote a letter to the men in addiction recovery whom I admire so much. They remind me that there are good men out there in this world and give me hope to one day have a wonderful husband. I have had the opportunity to be associated with some wonderful men while in this process of recovery! I also admire their wives, and this is for them.

Dear WOPAs,

Sometimes, I feel guilty for having the very addictions that strain your marriages. Sometimes I'm afraid to talk about my addiction in your presence because I know how pornography has hurt you and your marriages. I hate that I have chosen a specific path of sin, a path which so often leads to the destruction of families. In a way, I feel responsible for your husbands' addictions.

And, in a way, I am.

When I look at pornography, I contribute to the evil industry that is getting between you and your husbands. When I indulge in my chosen vice, I perpetuate this great evil! Even though I've never paid for pornography, supporting what's available for free is still supporting the industry, the industry that feeds or fed your husbands' addictions, and strained your marriages.

I'm so sorry.

I know that it's not my fault, that your marriages suffer or suffered. I don't take the blame. But I do feel I bear a small portion of responsibility, and I feel sorrow for that. I'm so sorry for that!

I'm also sorry for the pain you've had to endure, for that bitter betrayal, especially that sting of first discovery. Before I had ever even looked at a pornographic image on purpose, I found a porn video in my husband's possession. It devastated me, as I'm sure that same first discovery devastated you. I was so hurt that I wasn't good enough for him. I was so upset that something so evil was in my home and I didn't have anything to do with it. I was so confused and I felt betrayed and I shook and cried and hated myself because I felt like my husband must hate me.

Of course I was wrong. Of course his pornography had nothing to do with my worth. As I read your blogs, as I talk to you in person, it sounds like most of you get that-- that it doesn't affect your worth. I admire that about you so much.

I'm trying to say that even though I am addicted to pornography, I, in a small way, understand your challenges. I'm so sorry you have to endure them.

However, again, as I read your blogs and speak with you in person, I am amazed at your strength and perseverance! I am touched deeply by the love you have for your husbands. Your dedication inspires me. You help your husbands by supporting them, by learning about addiction, by learning about yourselves. You seek out the good in your husbands and in your lives, and you keep. holding. on. I know God will bless you for your incredible patience and true love.

I know some of you are divorced primarily due to your ex husbands' sexual addictions. I do know the pain of divorce, very well, and my heart goes out to you. No one gets married thinking they'll get divorced later. We all marry with grand hopes and intentions, goals for eternity. Divorce turns the world upside-down. Dreams shatter. Hopes scatter. The future disappears before your face and is replaced with an enormous wall full of now what?s. That's a small glimpse of what it was like for me, anyway. It's hard. It's just plain hard.

You women amaze me. You inspire me. Please, don't give up. God will carry you.

I hope this doesn't sound presumptuous or condescending. I often think of the wives of male porn addicts, and I look on you with compassion and admiration. You're beautiful, wonderful women.

Most sincerely,
~Stephanie J Martin