The Worth of MY Soul

Awhile back, I wrote a post called "The Worth of YOUR Soul." The irony almost makes me laugh, now. I intellectually understand the concept of unalterable worth. I understand it enough to write about it and almost make it make sense. I hope by admitting this, I don't seem arrogant, but the post I linked here is one people still talk to me about to this day. "Remember that post? It was great. I need to read it over and over."

And, yet, even though I wrote about it, I still didn't get it. And, I still don't. But, today something clicked for me. Something huge.

As much as I intellectually understand that telling myself things like "I am not an acceptable human being" is a lie, I don't get it. I still believe, to my core, that I am not an acceptable human being. So, when someone doesn't like me, I get hurt, because they're validating my inner truth. If I knew it was false in my heart as I know it in my brain, then when someone stopped hanging out with me, or stopped talking to me like they used to, or said mean things about me behind my back or to my face, or when someone I love treated me like dirt, then those behaviors wouldn't speak to my inner truth: See? You are worthless. See? You will never be accepted. Didn't I tell you? You're not worthy of acceptance."

This inner truth is why when one person says something mean one time, it feels huge. It feels like everything. Because it's the truth I feel. If 1% of all my peers behaves toward me one way, while 99% behaves toward me another way, I'm going to side with whichever group speaks to my personal inner truth. The rest isn't really going to matter. I'd like to switch it around so that my inner truth says the actual truth: that I am worthy. I am worthy of acceptance. If I knew that with my heart, then whenever people I love or don't love treated me in a way that suggested I may not be worthy of acceptance, I wouldn't believe it. I would discard it immediately and carry on with no grudge. It wouldn't matter, because it wouldn't reflect my core beliefs of my worth.

How do I get there? How do I reach a point where external validation/information is not where I find my worth?

My sweet, sweet son teaches me so much. He is a very sensitive child. He's sensitive to a lot of things: sounds, lights, smells, textures. He's sensitive to others' opinions of him. He desperately, desperately wants to be understood and accepted. When he does not feel accepted, he does not feel safe. When he does not feel safe, he may well have a meltdown, complete with screaming and carrying on about how everyone is mean. And I sometimes just don't get it. I think, how can you believe that you are not worthy, son? How can you believe that what little Brandon thinks of you is anywhere near the truth? And sometimes, he even creates scenarios that don't really exist to validate this false truth of his. "Jack was staring at me!" means "Jack hates me and thinks I'm doing something wrong. Jack doesn't like me. I am not accepted by Jack, so I am not acceptable; not worthy of acceptance." And my heart breaks. My sweet son is the most wonderful little boy I know. Why others don't see it is beyond me, but sometimes, even more beyond me, is why my little boy refuses to see it when I am here at home telling him year after year, day after day how wonderful he is and how much he means to me. Why isn't that enough for him? Why doesn't he believe me? I'm his mother! He is acceptable to me. I accept him always, every moment, exactly the way he is.

But, still, he believes those who validate his core belief.

And, so, since however much I love my son, God loves me more, I can see that perhaps my Father in Heaven thinks maybe some of the same things, only on a grander scale. "Stephanie. How can you believe that what Jan thinks of you is anywhere near the truth? How can you believe that you are not worthy, my daughter? It doesn't matter why Richard doesn't think you're worthy; just because you're not accepted by him, doesn't mean you're not acceptable. Why do you refuse to see your worth when I tell you all the time how wonderful you are, how beautiful, and how much you mean to me? Why don't you believe me? I am your God, your Creator, your Eternal Father. I made you and you are worthy of acceptance, always, in every moment, exactly the way you are."

I think of how much my children mean to me. I love them to capacity. I think of how beautiful and incredible they are, and I know that nothing anyone ever said or did to them could make me feel anything different about them. I know that their worth in my eyes is not alterable by their peers or even by their own thoughts. When my son has his moments of self-doubt, I know he's wrong. He just is. His worth is incredible, whether he sees it or not, whether he's in the middle of a meltdown or not, whether he is being obedient and kind or not. I love him the same. He is worth the same. I accept him the same.

Take that and multiply it by infinity, and that's how much God loves me. That's also how Jesus, my Rescuer sees me. Worthy of acceptance all the time.

I hope I get this soon.

Isaiah 49:15, 16
Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.