So Many Excuses

I work myself into a frenzy. I get a little crazy with all the things I have to do, and I wonder, did I put everything off till this moment so I would have an excuse to go nuts? So I would have an excuse to seek a distraction?

You know what, Erin? Look at it in the eye. Face it. Yeah, I did this to myself. Yeah, I should have done more last week. Yeah, that's right, this is MY FAULT; MY PROBLEM, and it DOESN'T give me license to sin. Moreover, seeking that pornographic distraction will only do more harm to the current situation, the very situation I'm trying to run away from. It will still be there after my "escape."

Oh. I see. I think that's why I prolong it so much. That's why I keep finding images and videos before the climatic conclusion. Often I wonder "If I want to masturbate, why not just do it instead of looking at all this trash? And yet I look and look. Maybe because subconsciously, I know that when it's done I have to return to reality. I still have tests and homework due. I still have a house to clean. I still have children to feed. But when I'm IN my sin, I don't think of any of that.

LIES.

I'm not crazy. I'm just WRONG. Getting myself to this stage of frenzy, of panic, doesn't do me any good. All my fears that control me-- they're just lies. I'm just WRONG. Panicking at a restaurant because I don't know whether to pay the cashier or at the counter isn't me being psycho, it's me being WRONG. It DOESN'T MATTER. I'm wrong that it's a big deal.

I'm overwhelmed now because I am very far behind in school. I want everyone to pity me and cater to me. I don't want to face it. Whenever I'm overwhelmed, my very first thought is porn. When I look to see how much longer the homework chapter is, and it's many many pages long, instead of taking a breath and plowing through, I think of turning to porn. This is counter productive in so many ways. It's NOT GOING TO MAKE IT GO AWAY!! When I'm finished with the sin, guess what, I still have many many pages of homework to do. And now I can't do it because I'm too depressed and I tell myself I don't deserve an A anyway so there's no point in finishing. I deserve to fail school because of what I just did.

And do I put myself in that lying depression on purpose? As an EXCUSE to FAIL? Do I WANT to fail?

I think perhaps that I feel right with failure. I feel like it makes sense to fail. It makes sense to be sad and lonely and depressed. Something about that just feels RIGHT. But that's wrong. That's where I'm wrong. Men are that they might have joy. I have this belief that I'm supposed to be sad. When I feel sorrow for my sins, I feel RIGHT. When I cry, it feels right!

Why is that? Why do I feel so good when I feel like hell?

Class is starting soon and today I'm going.