Self Salvation

It's what I want. I want to be able to save myself. Maybe so I can have the glory? So I can say *I* did this. I got here alone. So I can have something to be proud of? Yes, perhaps that's it.

At any rate, I can't save myself. Yeah, I dug this pit. Yep, I jumped in, knowing full well I would be trapped. Yes, this is my doing, but I cannot save myself! This is what Step 1 means, I think- "Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable."

I am powerless to overcome this addiction. I am holding on to power as though it is mine, as though I have it; but it is not, and I do not. *I* want to be the one to climb out of this pit! I want to be the one, the ONE. Because if someone else saves me, then I'm wrong. If someone else saves me, then I have to give up all credit.

But I'm wrong! I'm finally seeing how wrong I am. I'm finally seeing that the power to save me is in Jesus' pierced hands. I have to give it to Him, give to Him what is His. I am powerless because the power I think I should have doesn't belong to me. That's why I can't use it. I'm not God! I'm not Jesus Christ! I am not the One who paid for my salvation. I am NOT the ONE. Who do I think I am? D&C 122:8- The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

It is time to give it up.

I read this today: Helaman 5:9 O remember, remember, my sons, the words which king Benjamin spake unto his people; yea, remember that there is no other way nor means whereby man can be saved, only through the atoning blood of Jesus Christ, who shall come; yea, remember that he cometh to redeem the world.

and it hit me hard. I remember a seminary teacher telling me that when the word "remember" is used twice in a row in the Book of Mormon, that I should pay attention! So I read that, and snapped out of my duty-reading. And I heard it, I heard the message to me. O remember, remember, my daughter, remember that there is no other way nor means whereby you, Erin, can be saved, only through the atoning blood of Jesus Christ, who shall come; yea, remember that he cometh to redeem the world.

And I heard "you cannot save yourself! I did not give you the power to do so; I gave it to Jesus. You are redeemed, but not by your hand. There is no other way nor means whereby you can be saved, only through the blood of Jesus. Now, stop trying to take that away from Him."

I've got to stop trying to save myself. It cannot be done. The glory of my redemption isn't mine! The power to save me doesn't belong to me.

Do you see how deep is my pride?

It's not I'm powerless because it's too hard; it's I'm powerless because I have NO POWER to save myself, to free myself from this addiction. Trying to take that power from my Savior is counterproductive.

So, now that I realize that I cannot save myself, the next step is to trust Jesus to save me.

Verses 10 and 11 of the Helaman 5: 10 And remember also . . . that the Lord surely should come to redeem his people, but that he should not come to redeem them in their sins, but to redeem them from their sins.

I'm still struggling with what this means. What does in my sins vs from my sins mean? I think it's just that I will not be saved WITH sin. I will be saved without sin. Rescued, really, from sin, from my sins. And isn't that beautiful? I'm not a packaged deal! These sins that I despise can be put off of me, because Jesus came to save me FROM them. They will not be a part of me, if I choose to partake of the Atonement. When I am redeemed, my sins will not be a part of me anymore. I think that's what it means to be redeemed from my sins.

11 And he hath power given unto him from the Father [Jesus' power-- not mine!]to redeem them from their sins because of repentance; therefore he hath sent his angels to declare the tidings of the conditions of repentance, which bringeth unto the power of the Redeemer, unto the salvation of their souls.

So repentance is MY choice. Salvation-- not in my control! But repentance is my key to the great door of Salvation, which Jesus has the power to open. Repentance is what brings the power of the Redeemer unto the salvation of my soul! When I think of the power that He has, and that by repenting I can have access to that power-- that's amazing. The power isn't MINE, but I can be affected by it, saved by it, if I repent.

I love this Gospel. I love my Savior. I am trying, now, to give up this power that never was mine, to admit truly and honestly that I am powerless to overcome my addictions. But that Jesus Christ is powerful to save me from my sins.

Onward! I'm a week clean right now, is all. But, I'm learning.