Listening to the Spirit

Last time I talked to my bishop, he told me that the Spirit will always give a warning before temptation takes over. This is something I had never before honestly considered. He challenged me to try to recognize the warnings of the Spirit.

It certainly didn't seem like I could have been warned every time. But maybe I just wasn't paying attention.

So, the last time I acted out, the day went something like this:

Super stress at work. I have this huge project I'm working on, and it just has to be perfect, and it has to be perfect by next Tuesday. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this and I feel a lot like a fish out of water who's expected to breathe air. Anyway, it's stressful. That day was particularly stressful because it's crunch time.

On my lunch break, I had this formless thought that caused me to wonder if I may be tempted more than normal that night. And then, the formed thought: "this is your warning."

Oh. Wow. Okay, so maybe I was being warned by the Spirit. Well,I thought, don't worry, I'll be fine.

When I got home, I remembered I didn't read my scriptures that morning. So I read something real quick. I fed the kids and put them to bed. At 8:00, I was almost falling asleep. I was so tired. I remembered that tiredness is a trigger, and maybe I should go to bed, but I thought, don't worry I'll be fine. I get to sleep in tomorrow, and I don't want to go to bed early when I get to sleep in.


Seriously, Erin??!

Suddenly, I felt lonely. Loneliness is becoming more and more frequent these days. I want to be married. Loneliness is becoming a trigger these days, and I remembered that. But I said to myself I'll be fine.

Well I watched a Lifetime movie. I could tell where my mind/desires were going. I had a short internal battle, but when I'm that tired, I don't fight well. I figured I should go to bed. Part of me said, "no, I'll be okay," and another part said, "no, I want this tonight! I need it." After that movie, I decided to watch another one! The movies didn't have inappropriate scenes. I had hoped they would, I admit.

Remember how I destroyed my iPhone in March? I got a new smart phone last month. I thought I was ready, and I knew I'd install a filter the second I got it. I did. Net Nanny. It costs, but I like it better than K9 for my computer, so I thought I'd buy another subscription for my phone. And it's awesome. Except that if I download a browser besides the one it comes with, Google, it doesn't recognize it, and I can have full internet access. There's GOT to be a way around this.

Anyway. I can't watch videos on my phone, so I settle for other forms of pornography. And, when the 2nd movie was almost over, I began browsing.

And the rest is history.

So my bishop was right. The Spirit warns. Next time, instead of thinking "Oh, I'll be okay," I'll think up a plan. I will trust that Voice. I will believe that Voice. I'll set a plan for the rest of the day into place and ask God to help me with it.

It's so hard to think I'll be in that spot, though, when I'm so not in that spot. I just need to trust the warnings!

Sometimes I get frustrated with how long it takes me to learn stuff.