Control

I'm an easy going, take-it-as-it-comes, mellow, laid back CONTROL FREAK. I want control. I need control. I need everything in my life to be in my control.

You wouldn't know it by looking at me, or my house. I do not look like a woman who's in control. I am untidy and confused. I'm scattered and hopelessly unorganized. But that's okay. That's my way. If it's my way, I'm good.

However, God has something else in mind. He wants me to do it His way. I have a problem with that.

In theory, I like His way best. I know His way is best. I know I need to succomb to His way.

I went to an ARP meeting tonight. A few weeks ago, I began attending the PASG meetings (which are for porn addicts, specifically) instead of the general ARP meetings. Some weeks, I attend both. The PASG meetings are on a night that works better for me, though. But, they're much more difficult to attend, since I'm usually the only woman out of about 20 attendees. It's a big group. A big group of men. They are good men and I think they're okay with me being there.

Anyway. We're on Step 7. Humility. As we read through the step, I was overcome with emotion. It was entirely unexpected. The whole step is about giving control over to God. The emotion, I think, was God telling me to pay attention. So I did. And... I need to give it up. I need to stop trying to convince God to do it my way. Who does that?! This is GOD we're talking about. I know His way is best, I do, but I'd like for Him to just let me be right. I want my way to be okay.

I'm excited about this because the Lord's nudges mean I'm ready. I have done this before. I have decided to turn my life over to Him before. Step 3. I need to do step 3 again, to DECIDE to turn my WILL to God. I need to do that again.

I'm so scared to reqlinquish my illusion of control. Some of the things I fear are:

-What if I do, and then I fail later?
-What if I do, and then succeed?
-Right now, Repentence is the way I feel God's sweet love. What if my need to repent becomes less frequent and I need to feel God's love?
-What if I give up control and then lose control?
-What if giving up control means becoming vulnerable? Exposed?

Maybe that's the biggest fear, my fear of being exposed. God already knows all my weaknesses, my sins. But, do I? God already accepts me as I am, but will I?

Courage, Erin, for the Lord is on your side!

I have so much to say! I'll have to save it for another post. Sleep summons loudly now. Until my next post, let it suffice to say that I know that God loves me. Tonight, He showed me that- both through the ARP meeting tonight, and through a new friend. He's here. He knows. He's going to love me back Home.