Saying Goodbye

I've never been fond of goodbyes. I guess that's a pretty universal sentiment. It's difficult to break off something that's been a part of your life. I was wondering today if I've ever successfully said goodbye to something destructive, and then never looked back.

Often, I say "NO MORE!" but then I'm back to whatever or whomever it is in short order. So, I wondered if I've ever truly successfully permanently ended a destructive relationship with someone or something.

I'm happy to report that yes, yes I have.

There was my first love. We met in college. We were going to marry. He was poisonous for me, and I for him. To this day, breaking up with him for good is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I broke up with him at the end of 2001, and it's been almost that long since I've spoken to him. Now, of course, I don't miss him. Goodbye, Thomas.

Then, hot dogs. Seriously! I used to eat them and feed them to my kids because they're so easy. But they're so bad for you! I stopped buying them. Now, I think they're gross. Goodbye, hotdogs.

Then, cutting myself. I used to cut my arm when I was frustrated at myself or at life. I was certainly addicted to the release of anxiety that cutting brought. Check out My Story for more on that, if you'd like. I haven't brought a sharp edge to my own skin since 2007. Goodbye, cutting.

Then, a few men that I talked about inappropriate things with every time I talked to them. I stopped all communication, and haven't sought them out.

Maybe there are others. The point is, I can do this! I've done it before. I've eliminated destructive elements in my life. I can do it again. I will.

The Lord has shown me how. I need to trust Him. I don't necessarily believe that what He says will cure me, will cure me. I feel like He keeps telling me over and over, "read your scriptures." "Have Family Home Evening." "Put me first." "Serve others." "Immerse yourself in good music." These are the things that I believe God is telling me will save me. They're easy. They're all within my ability to daily accomplish. It's like I keep thinking, "one more try at my way, God." But my way has never, ever worked. It's time to do it God's way.

I need to find out what I'm afraid of.

One thing I know is that I can overcome. I have. Others have. I will.

Today I'm going to clean and rearrange my bedroom. It's where my favorite sins normally take place. It'll be a small token of my readiness and willingness to change, to say goodbye. I'm going to change where I sleep on my bed. I'm going to try very hard to use my bed only for sleeping.

I'm also considering telling my family about this. I know they would not turn away from me. Chances are, they'll be a wonderful strength to me. Some may judge me, but I'm used to that, haha. I'm afraid they'll spy on me and ask me dumb questions. I'm afraid they'll look at me differently. But maybe it'd be worth the negative probabilities. I follow a blog, (Gay) Mormon Guy, and the writer just revealed his true identity after a long time of strict anonymity. It didn't turn out so bad for him. I admire his courage. All his friends and family know, now, that he struggles with Same Sex Attraction.

I'm considering it. Right now, it seems like a great idea. Tomorrow, it may not. We'll see.

I can say goodbye. I can come boldly to the Throne of Grace. I can come off conqueror. Jesus has freed me!