Recently, I began primarily attending my local PASG meetings as opposed to the general ARP meetings. The short version of why is that I needed to maintain an important, and nearly vital, relationship by keeping my Friday nights open. I still occasionally attend the Friday night ARP meetings, but my primary meetings are now the Tuesday night PASG meetings.
ARP stands for Addiction Recovery Program. PASG, I think, is Pornography Addiction Support Group. The ARP meetings are an hour long, and are not so well-attended. If there are six of us, that's a pretty good turn-out. The PASG meetings are 90 minutes, and there are often about 20 men there.
Yes, men. Once, there was another woman in attendance. It's awkward. It's slowly becoming less so. Being the one woman of about 20 men is intimidating.
But, here's what. I have never felt unwelcome. I have never felt like a burden or an annoyance. I am what they are, after all, a child of God who wishes to recover from this imprisoning addiction. I learn from these men. I don't like sharing as much at these meetings, though. I don't want to take up so much time since there are so many men. (Once I start talking, I can ramble on and on and not even realize how much time has passed.) Also, I do feel like I don't totally relate. Or, I feel like the men will feel like I don't totally relate, and I fear their judgement.
But know what hit me today? I'll tell you. We read Step 8, and one of the men pointed out a verse of scripture in the study section. There is no fear in love.
I have so much fear. The opposite of fear, I think, is love. Not fearlessness, but love. The opposite of love is fear. Not hate, but fear.
I need to work on replacing my fear with love.
After the meeting, the facilitator approached me and said he's always appreciated a "feminine approach" and he appreciates my attendance. He said he knows it must be awkward for me, and he's so glad I go anyway. I'm so glad he said so. That one comment validated me in a huge way! And it encouraged me, and emboldened me. I'm so grateful he stopped me! He said I'm on equal ground.
And he's right. We're all the same. We have different motives, different ideas, different triggers-- but we're all the same in that all of us there have addictions. We all have a desire to be free. We are each children of a loving Father in Heaven, and for all of us, Jesus atoned. We all must repent to return to our common Home.
Even though I understand that concept, I haven't fully realized it yet. I still separate myself from the men, and feel like they're in charge, and they're more important. It's weird. But I'll grow.
On a sad, sad note, the missionary for the ARP meetings passed away the day before Thanksgiving. Elder Squires was a man of unhindered love. It was like love just seeped from him. He was a safe place to land for us addicts. He was young, and left behind a still-growing family. If you're so inclined, join me in praying for his family's peace.
Wow, that's sad about your missionary. I guess he has meetings to preside over in Heaven:-)
ReplyDeleteI love this post. Another thought to add to it is this. Since you haven't worked your Step 5 yet you are still carrying loads of shame for everything. Probably even more so since you've recently brought it all to the surface while working your Step 4. Once you work your 5 all the shame from everything you've done can dissipate into rich Celestial air and be gone forever Once that happens - confidence replaces the fear. :-)
Thanks! Maybe you're right.
ReplyDeleteI have to do step 3 again. I'm scared of 5. If I do 5, I have to look at 4 again. I want to do 5 and get on with it. But I don't want to deal with ME.
I will, though. :)
Erin, another guy here that really, really appreciates a female perspective. I don't know why, but a woman's way of seeing and articulating things has often seemed clearer and more accurate. Plus it just really softens me up knowing that there are at least some women who can understand what most guys are going through. Thanks for your blog!
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