I heard recently that Jesus knows why I fail. Why.
So, hit me. Why do I fail? Why did I fail just now? Why?
With each recurrence, hope flies away, one chunk at a time. I lose who I am.
I must cling, though, to hope, which hope I do not deserve.
This is it. This has to be it. I'm going to write a letter to my daughter as if she were me. As if she was in this very very spot that I am now, what would I say to her? I think it'd be something like this:
My dear, dear daughter,
Oh how I love you. I do know that you are making efforts. I do know that you're trying. I believe you can try better. I believe you can give more. Perhaps you don't know how. I know that you are giving a lot right now. I know that you're trying, my dear, I know that you're trying. I wish you could see what I see. You see a failure. You see this one moment. I see a beautiful daughter of God. I see a beautiful soul, a kind young woman, a brilliant mind and a gentle heart. I see a good, good woman who makes mistakes.
You are not this moment. You are much bigger than this moment, better than this moment. Please, don't let this one moment decide who you are. Please repent, now. I know you think that it's impossible that He will hear your pleas of sorrow. How can He believe you're sorry, you wonder. But, the purpose isn't to convince Him of your sorrow. The purpose of repentance is to turn your heart to Him. Even if you don't think He can believe your repentance to be sincere, even if you don't believe your repentance to be sincere, the very act of asking for God's mercy turns your heart to Him.
Don't run. If I could beg you, I would. Please don't run. You are far from the Rod now, but it is within your reach. Oh, grasp it, my daughter! Grasp it now and cling to it as if your life depended on it. Indeed, it does. Do not tell yourself you don't deserve the blessings of obedience. Just obey. You can't change what you just did. You can't change what you've done. But you still have your future to decide.
Decide.
Where are you going now?
You are loved more than you can comprehend. Nothing you do can separate you from my love, or from God's love. He loves you still, and you know that, and He wants to rescue you still. You've forgotten that. He wants to gather you now into His arms and tell you to come Home. He wants you Home. He still wants you, because you're still His.
It's not about how many mistakes you've made in the past. It's not about how many times you've fallen. Be standing when He comes. Be standing when you meet Him. Arise, my daughter, and Shake thyself from the dust; arise, and sit down, O Jerusalem: loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion.
I love you. You will do this. You will conquer this. The blood of our Savior will set you free. Don't stop trying.
~Your Mother
I like that.
And I wish Jesus would tell me why I failed.
