i'm afraid to write this. I don't know why, for sure.
I haven't been doing well.
God has been blessing me enormously. I am getting prayers answered all over the place. I think this addiction is something I run to when I feel like I don't deserve good in my life. I'm not just addicted to sex, but also to the general experience, very much including the following melancholy and despair. It's a sure way I know to make me feel like crap. And if I feel like I should feel like crap, then guess what I do?
Such a lie. I mean, who do I think I am?
I have a lot of bad things happening now too. Family drama. Friend drama. I don't want to face it. I don't want to acknowledge that there might be something wrong with me, and that's why suddenly these people I love don't want to really be in my life.
Life is so good. Things are going so well. Why must I ruin it? I need to accept the fact that it's okay if stuff goes well. I'm allowed to be happy and have joy and have answered prayers.
God never gives up on me. I'm supposed to be working, specifically, on step 4 now. You know what? I know what will save me. Scriptures and Service will save me. Do not be slothful because of the easiness of the way.... I'm being slothful.
What's Step 4 supposed to do anyway? Find the roots I have? I do that all the time. I find the roots of my problem, which roots are numerous and seemingly infinite in number.
How do I do it? Once upon a time, I was a very young girl and I masturbated? I had no clue what I was doing and then I never really stopped, except a brief hiatus during marriage....? There's no way I'll ever remember every incident. It's a different kind of addiction than others because the affect on others around me isn't so great as an alcohol addiction or drug addiction. I am sure that the addiction has caused me to hurt others but what am I supposed to do? "Hey, I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention to you that one day, but I was thinking about sex....?" Am I minimizing my addiction right now? I don't know.
I don't like Step 4. I get the purpose of it I think but I'm not sure the purpose can ONLY be achieved by completing Step 4.
I know what I must do. I have to really study my scriptures. I have to go to bed on time. I have to listen to the Spirit. It's simple. I'll do it.
